So sorry to hear about your current circumstances. It can be incredibly hard to trust, especially doctors. I can completely relate to your exhaustion. I myself am feeling very much the same way. Exhausted. I think to myself "If I were to just go to sleep and not wake up, then I would be so relieved".

I hope that you know that there are those you can trust -- and not all doctors are the same. I know that it is incredibly draining to keep putting yourself out there and getting shut down but you are still here, you are still breathing, and WE care about you.

Are there any things you like to do? Anything that makes it a little more bearable? For me, that is my horses. When I am with them, I forget about the pains of the living and just immerse myself in their company. That is really what keeps me going. Some days, I say "Why? They don't need me and I don't need them I am still so exhausted" but then I walk out to their pasture and rest my head on their shoulder and I gain a little bit more strength and a little bit more comfort.

I have just recently agreed to start seeing a therapist again. I too shared the fear that if I am brutally honest they will commit me to a psych hospital again. Its like--- in order to get better I have to be honest, COMPLETELY honest, but there is this knee-jerk reaction to just throw someone on a psych hold the minute they mention anything related to self-harm or ideation. I get it--- they are trying to protect us. But, for once I'd like to be able to talk to someone and just have them hear me out and not TUNE me out. Yknow?

Anyway, I am glad you are here. I hope that you have something to keep you going through those tough days. Maybe it can be this forum? Sometimes, the best medicine is just accepting the abnormal and saying "Yes I feel awful but that is me and who I am and I may always feel this way but I hope I don't and there are still good days".

*hugs*