The sex on Sunday was unsatisfying for me. I want the sex to be an expression of joy and I want it to be satisfying. He knows I wasn't satisfied Sunday. We didn't say anything about it. But, I have certainly let him know enough that if that happens, I want him to satisfy me shortly thereafter. And since we got the new bed, I wanted him to act like 'let's break it in' and satisfy me. I want him to be somebody that he is not. I feel so ugly and unloved because of this. I am sitting here crying in the parking lot now before I go into a class. I've already reached out to someone in hopes they will get me pot. I want to just get high by myself and try to cope with it that way. My friend was at work and I probably won't even ask him by the time he calls me back. I'll make up some other excuse for having called him. I'm not supposed to smoke pot because of my job. I feel so disconnected from my h. He doesn't get me. He never will. No matter what I say or do, I will not get what I want. I am trapped in a living hell of my own making. I don't want to be married to him. I don't want to be divorced from him. I just want to run away, but I can't. I hate this life, and I shouldn't because I have so much. He doesn't even care what I do. I could cheat on him and screw anybody I want, but I won't. I am honorable. I am trapped. I am miserable.