We've been separated for months, his request, and he's been shutting me out, blaming me, pushing me away. He says we're in compatible - that's because he's selfish and he just wants what he wants, doesn't care what I want. I married for life, and I was willing to work through everything.

So, I haven't put myself first, and I feel used and cheated. I have to go back to the apartment and get my stuff, wrap up some other matters like the rental agreement, and try to get him to pay me what he owes me, even if that means taking him to court. No lawyer - I'll do it myself.

I am trying a new counsellor today, but it will only be a few sessions until I go back to the area where our apartment is, several hours away.

I hurt so much, I've hit a wall, I find it hard to go on. Booked off work this week, feel angry about my work. Looking for something completely different in a new field. I have a recent BSC. Spent the last 8 months dealing with emotions andt rying to save my marriage... so no progress on the job front until the last month. I feel desperate. Hard to get work in a new field at my age (50+) and it's hard to find things I'm even qualified for. You know how degrees are. I should have gotten a technical certificate, it seems. I didn't think my marriage was going to implode, or I would have done that. It was an option. I thought I would be supported, so I took the more enjoyable though longer learning path. Yet another mistake. Everything in my life goes wrong.

I count my blessings, but it's not enough. I have so many needs I cannot meet.