It's almost 1 p.m. here, and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. Every week I think I'm going to get up early on Saturday and get things done. I have loaded pear trees and was going to do some canning. I feel bad about missing most of the apricots, and only getting 3 batches of plum jam done, and most of the apples aren't that great, but I want to try to make some applesauce anyway.

But I always get off on the wrong foot on Saturdays lately (or don't get started at all). I won't even have any free Saturdays next month as I go to therapy every other week, and the other 2 Saturdays I have to work.

Today it's raining hard, mixed with snow. T is away at a conference, not that I'm allowed to contact her anyway, or that it would do any good. Even if I had an appointment today I'd be too useless to accomplish anything.

I'm taking a family, couple, and child counseling class, and it makes it more clear what was wrong with my family. I asked my husband to read one of the books I had finished, and he finished reading it and started talking about it this morning. The book emphasizes individuation, and letting each member of a family be a whole person. DH said it goes against everything that he ever believed or was taught. He thinks we are supposed to lean on each other and be the world to each other. My lifelong struggle has been to be allowed to be an individual, because it was never acceptable. I wasn't allowed in my family to develop or express my own personality, opinions, etc., and I learned that I was not good at anything because someone else is always better, so I shouldn't try. DH has encouraged me to have hobbies and to learn, but then he seems to resent all that he gives up to give me opportunities, and I never asked him to give anything up. His measure of being cared about (he has told me before) is how much someone is willing to sacrifice or inconvenience themselves to help someone else. So he resents that I can't give up my identity to support him, like he has tried to do for me. I never even had an identity to sacrifice, and I guess I'm too selfish to make that sacrifice.

I don't know how to be good enough.

Rap