Well, I've gone into self destruct mode again. Im always very investigative when it comes to my relationship. Well, I found on my spouses computer history where he visited some questionable gay porn sites. I asked, he denied. But this isn't the first time I've had suspicions. Now, i accept him for who he is and all, it isn't like I would shun him. Everyone has crazy fantasies sometimes. But hes also very untrustworthy. Hes been known to cheat on me, even upwards to sending me pictures of girls sucking him off. Im already a little crazy. I feel as if im in an uncontrollable bipolar episode. I feel like i have been for many years, just sometimes Im good. No telling when that is or how long it will last, or when i may snap back to ***** mode in 2 seconds. Ive got problems myself. So i understand having tolerance to ********. But everytime i get concerned with something, he automatically goes on the defense and starts this emotional abuse ********. he calls me names, threatens to break up with me to just turn around and tell me he loves me and to get the hell over to his house. its like kinda feel as if hes causing some of my emotional roller coasters, if he isnt causing them, he surely isnt trying to help any. now today got really stupid, i called off work because last night i was feeling a bit overwhelmed with my bipolar and reached out to him for emotional support, instead he snapped and started cussing at me and making me feel like the scum of the earth again, so i was up late, listening to music, crying, sweating because it was 100 degrees, and sulking on how ive made so many mistakes and how i dont deserve my job and how i feel like i have nothing left to give, almost like my soul had been ripped out. So i called off work, which was dumb. I JUST got an assistant manager job, it seems to be a cool place to work, and ive never really officially been a manager. i seem to quit jobs before i get that opportunity, which is why im scared, i dont want to quit this job. but i feel like the devil has consumed my thought process and all this negativity is swirling through my head. like im not manager material, which i know i am, my boyfriend hates me, i love him so much and give him my all, but he never gives back, im all used up. i dont want to leave him. he knows all of me and i thought he loved me. what am i going to do without him. i dont want to work, i dont want to talk, i dont want to look, i dont want to see or hear or swallow, i dont want to. i just cant. why is he leaving me? is it because he really wants a guy? but why? we have great sex, hes my best friend. why doesnt he want me? why doesnt he care how i feel? i should just let go, but what if theres no one else. everyone says im beautful and smart and caring and they say my son is all i need, but none of that is true. im not a beautiful person, im not caring, im not smart, and as bad as it seems, my son cant provide me the attention or company i need. is that wrong? im a terrible person. what do i do? i know i need medical help, but jesus, all they do is throw me on medicine without even knowing anything. how does that work? i dont want to feel like a zombie. i dont want to feel the way those medicines make me feel. i want to learn to deal with this the right way. not the governments way. how do i do do it? what am i going to do?