this thread is rather embarrassing... but i guess maybe it shows a few insights into what im experiencing.. and if i have a dissociative disorder, maybe insights into what someone with a dissociative disorder experiences..

i don't like making myself look foolish.. i try really hard all day everyday to keep from embarrassing myself and to make myself seem normal you know, so its not really easy to come to ANY place and talk about things..
exposing how different i am i guess..
so i just hope that everyone will not pass judgement on me as an individual because of my struggles here, what i've wrote and shared...
im a good person, its just really hard.. feeling like you have to survive extremes every single moment of the day...
even though nothing extreme is really happening, sometimes extremes do happen, but in general everything seems extreme and you have to be over protective to just make sure you dont slip and let something get passed you and cause any damage.. you know?
i really do try hard... but i seem to fall short, incapable of really having a full life...

well.. im trying to learn how to react and learn how to handle things in more appropriate manners.. trying to learn how to listen to myself and learn how to stop causing more pain because i push down into the dirt the parts of me that want to reach out... stepping on them all and just trying to do everything my way, the only way i know how you know..?
i guess sometimes you react in anger out of fear.. but i know that i cant keep doing this and im trying to explore other ways.. its just hard.. because all i want to do is stop it all, i dont have time for this stuff.. but i have no choice, im realizing that the way i have tried to handle everything is just causing me to get stuck in this rut, stuck in a cycle that i am trying desperately to break free from but doing all the wrong things
im just afraid that things are going to get worse... i dont want to cause more pain, i dont want to fail anymore..

earlier i was doing well, i wasnt sure what was happening but everything was fine.. i was feeling the same as usual, disconnected.. depersonalized.. ect ect... and reading a little about therapy and how to address different things and different parts in therapy...
things the patient should know and things the therapist should know.. protocols i guess.. rules.. guidelines... heh i like to know whats happening before anything happens i guess...

but suddenly something happened, i started to feel really strange... getting dizzy.. having tingling sensations everywhere... my heart was beating heavily... i could feel it in my throat... i could feel my blood pressure elevate... my palms sweating profusely...
i guess i was thinking about how i dont feel anything, how i feel empty... wondering how it is possible to not understand emotions or feelings... to not feel emotion or feelings... and it came over me, i started to feel panic rising from deep inside... anxiety taking over the body... the perception and vision being altered... depersonalization and derealization feelings increasing...
i am still not sure what it was... but i went from feeling empty, to not knowing what emotions were, to feeling fear and panic... but it wasnt really mine, it was part of me, i felt it, but i wasnt doing anything to elicit any type of panic or anxiety or fear...
still feeling empty, and not understanding emotion, i couldnt understand what was happening... so i did the only thing i could think of to do, what i thought was proper, to try to convince myself that everything is safe... to try to utilize the breathing and whatever grounding techniques that i have learned over the years... really to no avail, because what ever it was was really afraid and panicked... i dont know what i did to cause it, but its disturbing to realize that you are not fully aware of your own self... emotions.. feelings... fears... desires... needs....

i am just confused, per usual... but a little more so because of this experience... because it has been a few weeks atleast since i have felt anything... well, maybe i have felt things but i did not become aware of them so profoundly... to be effected on such a level... to not be able to step on it and kick it and push it away, it was stronger than me...

i think when i started treatment at this clinic back in 2011 or 2012 i was having this anxiety, panic... quite often... but i haven't felt it in so long i forgot what it felt like...
i don't like it, i dont want to feel hurt, i dont know why i have these things inside that wont get better, that wont release whatever the problem is...
i am angry that i can't simply fix things, because i want to live and enjoy this brief moment on this planet.. yet i am not capable, i feel like a failure, i can not prevail... and i am not sure how i feel about that...

i do not know why i am saying these things, honestly, i am not sure if it will make any difference.. and i am certain that no one here can fix anything for me or make things better..
but maybe i just want to try to do things different... try to change things up... because it is quite obvious that my current actions and behaviors have not accomplished very much at all, besides maybe keeping me from suicide.. but sometimes i wonder if that would be the better answer, but also then i would not have the opportunity to experience a full life experience...

is it too much to just want to be ok? too much to just want to know what joy feels like?
too much to want to be able to let the guards down and just relax, take a moment and look around and see that everything is ok and stop the war?

i am in dire need of assistance.. but i do not know who to turn to... i am just hoping that this lady i am seeing will be able to guide me to a better way, a better understanding, a better battle plan... this plan i have now is old and out dated... times change and so should the battle plans...

i feel like i am doing this all alone, i feel like i have no help in moving this vessel through the painful experience, to get to a better place, but i dont see a better place, i just see a dangerous road that i have no choice but to keep moving forward upon because standing still will result in death... going back will result in death... there are no other options, but a squirell moves in the bushes and i slay it... a rabbit jumps into the path and i crush it.. these things are not my enemies, but i can't just relax, i do not know how to let things change, i do not know how to accept the reality that things are different, things don't have to be so violent... i don't have to be so protective, but i DO! i can't relax, i cant... if i stop then there will be no future, i have to drag this thing to the future, to get to a place that things CAN be ok, but i dont see a place that things CAN be ok - i am tired of fighting, i just want to stop

why does it have to be such a lonely fight, a fight for something i am not sure of, not sure of why i am even fighting for it?
but i guess thats why i dont have feelings or emotions, because i can just keep fighting for no reason and not really be too bothered... sometimes i just wish that i did not have to feel so disconnected, maybe i wouldn't fail so much... i could change everything and make everything better if i did not feel like this so lost and confused, i really am not sure why... how it is possible to not remember...

good thing this is normal for me, or else i would definitely take myself to the hospital concerned that i am dieing due to the inability to recall things... i am still wondering if i do have brain cancer or something of the likes...

well... im going to stop writing... thank you for not treating me like a complete **** up... i wish i had more answers, more solutions..
it is not my intention to cause any problem, sometimes you just need a little external support, some allies, some air strikes to come in to aid in a battle that you are losing, to change the tides, to help you make a move to change the fight in your favor...
i do hope that i can eventually win this war... i am growing weary... and i just want to relax and be happy... sometimes i think to myself that this just is not fair, but i don't like to use those words.. but i think maybe it is true, maybe it really is not fair..