I have a similar experience in my past, and you aren't alone. I recognize those feelings you're having really well.
There is just no easy way for now, it's just time to grab hold of your life now. He has proven himself to be untrustworthy. And now because of his choices that had everything to do with his conscious and unconscious motivators-you are left holding the life you thought you had and realizing it wasn't what you thought. And it isn't what you want or need. Now or ever.
Nothing will ever make the life you thought you had together come back. Nothing will ever recreate the innocence that you thought was part of your relationship. It was always the lie. This is painful.
Don't kid yourself into believing that he would or could ever be the illusion that you believed. It simply didn't exist in reality.
It's scary to contemplate what might be next, and what it all means. But, you have got to move forward.
Getting some counseling for yourself is a start, and reaching out for all the help you can get is good for you as long as it doesn't involve him.
His choices have cut out a path that has illuminated what might happen with a normal couple. However he's feeling - is no longer your business, I'm sure he feels terrible right now. But you have a whole life ahead, without any of this creepy gross stuff in it -for you! Not for him, he's the one who brought it to you and made it a part of your life.
You deserve better than this.
Just writing this is making me remember all the heartbreak that came from my exes decision and how we all suffered because of his lack of self control and his disgusting urges.
And he was sorry when he got caught, of course, but I completely cut him out of our lives. No way was I ever going to give him the way to hurt us again, I had at that point seen everything I needed to see to know what to do.
Yes, there were people who tried to tell me that I was wrong and I should give him chances he didn't deserve. But I said no to what other people think I should do. It's not their business, this pressure came from family, his and mine. I just had to stick by my guns. They aren't the people having to live with it. I am.
I'm responsible for the safety and well-being of my self and my kids. Damn if I ever let a threat that I know good and well exists into my home and my kid's future.
This situation is not good, watch out for the people who are trying to cover their own guilt and shame by goading you into pretending the lie is ok.
Watch out for those who treat you like your wrong for sticking up for yourself and your future so they don't have to deal with their side of things.
And move forward with the life you want and need. It will take time, but in the grand scheme of all of it, you will look back and realize how right you were to do so.
And the other side of that is, caving into the heartbreak and pain and allowing him to come back in your life how do you think that would work out in the future? I think you would have a lot of years of adding regret and sadness you don't deserve...for what? To make HIM feel better?
Focus on you now, this is your reality that you didn't ask for-dropped into your lap.

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