kebsfroggy...

almost felt like you are writing a line to my own life

"My world is a living hell because I'm expected to be what I no longer am. Do things I can't remember how to do."

that's hitting the nail on the head. things like talking about the weather, discussing a movie or book or piece of music. impossible because my mind would race ahead with what and how to say something but fail to organize anything sensibly. left looking and feeling the fool again...

"Artistic? Special? Maybe in that me who use to be but not in the me I am now."

interesting because as a child i had artistic tendencies but my father chose to lead me away from that and into more practical things like working with my hands and service for others. stuff that i benefitted from but, i strongly feel a misleading from what was truest in my born nature. having that part of myself removed contributed to my depression.

recently i made a decision to sing again. the very idea of it was healing. the more i meditated with it, the more empowered i felt.

it's been two months since my depression lifted. the first 1 1/2 months were bliss. just to feel like yourself again after 29 years of being a stranger to even your own self was an elation that can hardly be described.

the past two weeks i felt myself begin to slide again and not an instant panic but a slow fear began to build. was it slipping away?

i think it was yet another corner to be turned. depression for me is a normal part of existence but it doesn't have to control my life. i need to face it. i'm sensitive and empathic. i will likely always be on the edge of a depression. but one small taste of freedom can be as strong a magnet as a whole pie of depression.

thank you for your thoughtful response...