Now I'm drunk on vodka and didn't eat anything today except a can of tuna at lunch. He won't leave. Since he wouldn't go, I told him to make our son dinner and I locked myself in my room. I can't even swallow from the stress. Since I ran out of pills, I broke into the vodka. One big shot and I'm good for now. I am going to have to stay drunk in order to cope here. He knows this. He is causing this because he won't leave. He thinks I will give in, like I always do, in a few days. He always gets his way.

Of course this man doesn't love me. Look how he lies just enough to get me back and then torments me. I am too weak to go. My low self esteem keeps me subservient. Yes, I am very angry and hysterical, but he doesn't really care.

I'm thinking about calling someone to help me. A crisis center?

Wouldn't it be something if I walked into a women's shelter? They'd say ' lady, go rent yourself an apartment!' Is there such a person who helps people who can't help themselves get themselves out of dangerous situations?

When I was trying to divorce him in 2013, the psychiatrist said he thought it sounded like a very sound and logical idea. I gave a lawyer a HUGE retainer, then I backed down. I still have that lawyer to use and I spoke to him recently. He's standing by.

At that time, well... I was getting support from and encouraging a relationship with a man that was the one I have mentioned on here on other threads that I had to have a restraining order on.