Very Long & Very Dull

Dear T
I saw my Pdoc today and as I was entering the parking lot, the thought entered my mind, as it usually does, that you were just across the lot from me. So close, yet so far away. However, today it is not only literal, it also feels symbolic. I realized that sometimes, I feel the same way when I am sitting five feet away. I know this isn't your fault, but I'm still struggling to understand how and why things have changed. Obviously, it's a mixture of my feelings of vulnerability and my intellectual, "rational" mind. Perhaps I favor my intellect because my thoughts makes sense. You may argue that they only seem to make sense because my rationality exists in strictly black and white thinking. Well, you would say something like that anyway. Maybe nothing has changed and I'm starting to see things more clearly.

Lately, it feels like you are reevaluating me or maybe you aren't and I am getting better at seeing through the subterfuge or you just being more obvious. Why does it always come back to the same
problems?

Since I found out I got into grad school, you seem to have switched gears. You seem really worried about how it will go. It feels like you don't have faith in me and you see me as some little fragile thing. I'll admit there are parts of me that have broken. You've asked me multiple times if I was okay with discussing this or that issue. What's worse, these issues have been comparatively minor. You must think I'm going to fall apart at any moment. I'm wondering if you've had second thoughts about my ability to achieve my goals. Maybe you have changed your mind and you don't think I'll make a good T anymore. In all truth, you don't seem to be as interested in me anymore, but maybe you were never as interested as I believed. I'm an idiot. No amount of therapy can change that. I look back and ruminate about all the times I....opened myself in emails, journal entries, and sessions. I told you about some of the things that have happened to me, things I never even considered sharing with anyone... ever. I expressed my feelings and fears about you and our relationship. I became completely vulnerable and completely pitiful. At the end of the day, I am just another pathetic patient. There isn't anything significant or special about my therapy, even if it felt that way. It's been a singular experience for me but for you, it's what you do, what you've done for twenty years.

Regardless of my pleading for openness and honesty, I often sense you holding things back from me. Sometimes, I feel sure that I know what you refuse to say. You think I can't handle your honesty so you say the "right" things, even if they conflict with the truth. It seems clear that you have been overwhelmed with pity for me. I've been so needy. I didn't know it was even possible for me to feel so needy. I think your goal has been to be my support system, my friend, and my Mom. Then again, perhaps you never intended to be any of those things and I pressured and casted you into those roles.

Anyway, all of this comes down to a trust issue. Once again, I don't feel like I can trust you. When I think back to the numerous times I have stripped my flesh off, confiding in you some of my most distressing experiences and my uncontrollable, terrifying feelings, I instantly fall head first into a panic attack. My heart feels like it is braking into a thousand pieces and I see the pitiful, pathetic loser I am. However, in this situation, I'd rather remain a loser forever than to repeat my insane attempts to......Being a loser isn't nearly as heartbreaking as being an insane idiot.

None of this changes my feelings or appreciation. They are as true now as they ever have been, and even though my vulnerability has filled me with shame, I don't regret the experience at all. I know that seems nonsensical, but it's true nonetheless. It is what it is....Right?

You have done some things that you believe would ruin or end our relationship and my therapy if I ever found out. One thing in particular could easily be considered a serious breach of trust and you are likely resolved to never speak of it. I know about this because you have inadvertently dropped a few puzzle pieces here and there and you already know that [one way or another 😜] I absorb everything that is said, everything that isn't said, where, why, and how things are said. I linger on the chosen words and the tone. When the pieces came together, it was clear. But would I end therapy? NO. It does spike my shameful, panicked vulnerability, but I know you well enough to know that you had a good reason, even if I wouldn't like it. I have desperately wanted you to confide this situation in me. You would really have to trust me. I have even committed a couple overt actions that I hoped would even things out a little and instigate a discussion that would result in you coming clean. You really don't trust me and....that makes it so, so difficult for me to trust you.

Lately, I have been more lonely than I have been in quite some time. I am so happy about the realization of my goals. However, I am very sad. I feel like I've lost something very precious. There are moments I am overcome with grief because of the loss of my trust for you and our connection.
Honesty means everything to me.

If only I could tell you.
If only you could hear my silent words.



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