What MI runs the gamut from all the loving feelings and actions AmandaLouise described to the fight/flight, must end it for my health, hate him for failing us, not sure about loving feelings?

That's what I feel!

These mood swings go from one end of the spectrum to the other maybe several times a day!

You're right, Divine, I don't lose my sense of humor. I keep my wits about me. I am able to go from zero to crazy.

For example, I had to see a customer last night just after dinner. Even with the swollen eyes, I acted like all was well and did business. Then I walk back in the house and instantly that anxiety comes over me because he's there and isn't leaving.

That's when I went into the room and took the shot of vodka.

But he came in the room and started up with me that he was going to sleep in our bed instead of at least going into the other room and just staying away from me.

He says that I can sleep in the bed with him.

This isn't a battle that I set up alone. It takes two. It's a battle for control. It's so stupid that no reasonable person can even understand it. That's why nobody can grasp this on here as I explain it. It is so stupid.

Ok. I want my husband to act like I want him to act. In this last case, it was to have initiated sex with me on Monday in our new bed. Why? Sunday, I initiated and it was only he who came. The new bed was a symbol of a new start and getting this battle fixed. We had come home from a good trip, where he initiated sex and he needed to keep that momentum going.

Now I am not naturally this rigid a person. Keep in mind that this dysfunctional way we have been living began 20 years ago with his neglect of me, miscommunication , misunderstandings. We have had countless discussions over what I want vs. what he wants. So he knows my thinking and 'with a gun to his head' in threat of imminent divorce, he has promised time and time again to act on this.

I have demanded 'give me what I want, make it consistent, and we will heal'. To which he has agreed and swore he would do.

Again-- I am not this rigid a person. This is 20 years dysfunction.

Why on vacation is my h able to perform, but as soon as we are home he is not? Why is his memory selective?

Doesn't this sound like the worst way of living to you, dear reader? It does to me, too. This has been a living hell. This never should have even been an issue. Again, it is not me alone in this. It is us two idiots.