Thanks everyone. I'm feeling better, but that was a really hard few days. It's been a crazy few months of cycling. Some of it has been great, but unfortunately always with consequences. What i hate is how when fall into a really dark place it feels like it has always been that way, and any good times have been illusions. Then i flip back and forth trying to figure out which is real, until it seems nothing is real. It's like getting trapped in a space of nothing at all. I can't handle that feeling, but I don't know what to do with it because I absolutely won't do anything to harm myself. But it's so painful. I don't know, I really have a double or triple life happening, and it's pretty complicated. I definitely put up with **** from people that I shouldn't. I wish I didn't hate myself so much. It doesn't make sense. I haven't done anything wrong, but it's not what i've done, it's who i am that is the problem. I have this core belief that I'm worthless, and that everything good in my life is a house of cards. So maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Idk, my self esteem is taking a beating, and i'm feeling pretty confused.