I was diagnosed 6 years ago with DDNOS, now probably OSDD. Also PDNOS, which clouds the picture a little. Still, it seems to me this is a dissociation issue.

I have an “alter” or maybe introject, a component of me that can be very objectionable and hard to accept but I have made some progress on that. And so I am also more co-conscious, I guess would be the word, she’s more integrated and I have been better able to understand where she is coming from and also, therefore, other people who may have similar feelings.

The problem is that she can be very sadistic and malicious in tone, usually directed toward me, seldom directed outward although that has happened sometimes. Including with my T when I’ve been frustrated for several weeks trying to explain things, eventually I have gone into “female snotty b. . ch” mode, which is the only way I really understand this part of me and associated feelings, believing that therapy was a place to do that, or try at least. One session I was very frustrated and told my T, a specialist in dissociation, that my “Antisocial” and “Female Snotty” were present and even then, when my “Female Snotty” lashed out, my T got mad and shamed me. I reminded her, again, that I could keep “Female Snotty” away and out of the room and my T said, no, she didn’t want that. But this incident allowed me to understand that “Female Snotty”, at that time at least, really didn’t have access to “higher brain function” and language and concepts which would allow a more “civilized” expression. And the next session I defended her point of view – she called my T a name, after being shut down by my T, and I told my T that all she was doing was describing what she saw (in my T). Which I believe was accurate. A very self-only little girl. But one of my (social) problems has been that with “Female Snotty” dissociated, I couldn’t understand other women, in particular, when they were being snotty.

So – this part of me which seems universally unacceptable in the extreme, even with my T, makes it seem universally impossible that I can be accepted in human society, which repeats the experience of my childhood. Again, I can keep “Female Snotty” away, it’s just that with the fragmentation and “Female Snotty” beating up on me when things are going on outside that seem to elicit her, I really don’t want to keep trying to live. I’m not going to take any action, I can prevent myself from that. But since even my T, a specialist in dissociation, can’t accept this part of me and help to socialize her, I’m at my wit’s end.

Any thoughts? Reactions? Feedback?