Angry. Angry at those who saved me. Because I was hospitalized after ICU I had to pretend I was relieved so that I could get out and try again.

Then I was angry at myself for failing the second time. Don't really recall much of the second time. Angry and ashamed that I failed.

Since that time I've felt disappointed I didn't succeed and that life is punishing me by keeping me alive when I should have died. Doctors told me I was so lucky that I survived...it wasn't luck, luck would have been to die then, the first time.