I am getting better I feel more in touch. Am realizing some I was way out of touch, and also some hanging on to that because of the euphoria I kept having. I am not sad at all. I cry sometimes, less and less. It is sadness then I think of missing things and that my life stopped again for a week. And probably has a little more to go. I am not as good as I had hoped to be at this point but that is OK. I would like to go back to work next week but no one seems to be encouraging that even my boss. My mom politely without saying it said it was better than I not travel and I agree overall. I can't drive still, it's too fast for me. This is getting better but still. I haven't been to grocery yet but am thinking of trying tomorrow. I keep delaying when milestones will happen because they don't. I'm starting to get things together enough that I'm covering more bases. Eating, I showered today for first time in awhile, I had a friend over. I am a lot better but I think am still off. It is getting better just will take some time. I love numbers I'm talking like looking at accounts, spreadsheets etc. I have spreadsheets for every thing. Percentages are my jam. I can not look at them yet. I know from previous times when I can start looking at accounts, etc that I'm back together. I still feel like I'm in a different world than every one else. I am going to do good things today and go to bed earlier and hope for 10. MD told me I can add to a med if I want based on how I'm doing. So I am doing that tonight. I already partially did it for 2 nights. I want to say again that whatever I experienced was amazing and one of the greatest experiences in my life. If we call that euphoria, so be it. You'd think I went to the Pyramids or something like that. That's how it feels. The connection to the universe and the grandiosity that other's couldn't feel it. That I was breaking the powerball code. And in some respects I did really good with that. I can not look at it now. I do not want to think about it. I do not want to think about the energy in the walls and whether they attract or repel me, or both. The vibration of my cells changed rather abruptly over a week or two. And it severely slowed me down. Mentally and physically. I can type pretty good now and get my thoughts out but I can't explain things like this verbally. My affect is blunted or flat generally. I laugh a little more than what someone would sometimes. The laughing is way better. The eating is better. I'm having some social contact. I may not be able to go back to work next week. The last couple times I wanted to go back after week 1 and was also told no, then usually again after week 2. "You're still hypomanic" or "you're still not level". In a daily treatment program in what I'm referring to. I avoided it this time and actually think I was quite a bit sicker this time. Kind of way more but I'm not at a place to really process that yet. Now that the major part is over I can start doing the behavioral end of things. I know how to do that. This time, the 'can't do much of anything but wait it out' lasted longer. The extended period of high level hypomania for what I think was about 6 weeks straight, made the crash a lot worse. Very rough. I feel no pain though or suffering, I just know I'm recovering and healing. It is so crazy. The healing happened during the hypomania. Energy transfers and experiences, etc. The chosen feelings, etc. The genius feelings, etc. I remember feeling like I had mastered my life a few weeks ago. maybe I really have and as I come back from this I will truly be healed of bipolar. Meds, behavioral structure, sleep. There is no reason I can't heal and be better than before. In some hindsight, i was not well for weeks before this, I was just functioning enough. I miss a day of work every week for a month. I got up at 230 am out of the blue one day. I made some kind of amazing projects at work and did some great things. Then the numbers came, and took over every thing. With the periodic insights which had euphoria attached to them. Or the other way around. Thank-you for listening this was very healthy for me to get out. I've got to start doing more things now to return to normal and now I'm able to do it because the major part is over. Now the healing part, and I have a lot of control over that with behavior, structure, nutrition, social, sleep, etc. I know I can do it. My real goal is to cure it, in me and in others. And that's probably grandious but I like the goal anyway. I could write on and on. This has really helped me.