I'm not in a very good place. I looked at the DSM out of curiosity and I realized I met the criteria for Severe depression. I don't really care about diagnosis. I am what I am and I don't fit into a single box.

I'm concerned. I have a lot of suicidal ideation. To try and gauge how much a counted the thoughts for an hour or so. I estimate I probably have over a hundred suicidal thoughts a day.

Part of me wants to go to the hospital, but I've been down that route and I don't think that will od much healing. My therapist reccomended intensive out patient but I'm not sure what that will be like. Or if it will help. I could talk to the mental health center and see if would help.

I feel pretty hopeless about my depression and recovering. I know its just a symptom of the depression. I also can check all the other boxed in the DSM, so I am consistant and well entrenched in my depression.

Probably the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now is feeling emotionally alone. I feel let down by my psychatrist and I'm looking for a new one. I should be looking for a new anyway, but havent actually had the motivation to do anything. I've been in therapy for a while, but I don't think it is helping. It may just be my perception but even with that I feel somewhat abandoned. She says she isn't sure she has the time or availability to give me the treatment I need. I also get the feeling she doesn't think she helps me.

I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm not doing well at work, and I feel paranoid I will be fired. Maybe that could be my lack of confidence or worse it is intuition. I've been self harming a lot. Probably every other day. It helps less and less, but helps me cope somewhat.

My family keeps me going. I used to think I stayed alive for them, but I realize its because of my instinct to protect them outweighs the despair, self hate, hopelessness, worthlessness etc.

Any thoughts?