This is quiet hard to understand...

I feel like I'm not worthy of living because of my drug past and what I said about it and if I do it again and OD then that's what should happen.

I feel like it defines me as a person and that my personality is now worthless and lower than everyone else.. why?

Because back then and now, when people were children, adults said "Drugs are bad".

It's kinda taking over me. Maybe I'm just a drug friend and I'm not worthy of talking to anyone about it either because they were one of those children that were heavily influenced by the drug stigma.

Like if I were to talk to a girl and she would be like no you're a drug addict even if I don't do drugs anymore.

Then what's the point of getting a job or being on the same bus as someone else.

Feeling paranoid that those people that are out to get me are controlling my mind and making me give up on something that I know is rational because I don't have anyone that is outside the box to give me insight (even drug addicts look down on me probably - which proves that I'm not thinking properly unless.. it's true that I'm being watched) and I'm sitting outside it thinking.. well ..

On a different point. First impressions..

I can't shake the fact that if someone has a bad first impression of me, then I have to change it but I'm told to just tell the person fine just **** off. BUT THAT doesn't make sense to me.

You have to MAKE the person believe the truth.

But it's kind of hopeless because if someone would look down on me, that kinda breaks it and I then look down on them and THEN accept that they are right because

I can't change something which means that it is true because the opposite hasn't happened yet.

So I'm going to have to not be myself to fit in with society and tbh I'd rather just not be apart of society and be an outcast which just leads back to BEING an outcast and maybe that is my personality as it got me there in the first place.

Idk if anyone cares about philosophy anymore but this is something that maybe is mixed with paranoia or semi delusion i have no idea.

I feel like my mind isn't in control.

People might say well I don't care what other people think. I don't either but at the same time, what if those people are real that are out to get me. Normal people don't have paranoia in that factor and when they do maybe that's why people end up like this or that.