Well...I can't say I am ready to end therapy.

But I'm definitely moving into a new and different phase. And recently, suddenly a ton of positive change is occurring.

For those who don't know, I've been in therapy for about 4 years with my T. My.main issues stem from extensive early childhood abuse and neglect, and I had a complex eating disorder with severe body dysmorphia of nearly 30 years duration.

With me, at least, my T does a sort of limited reparenting. We have an intense relationship with outside contact, a lot of touch, and a lot of positive building up from my T.

On my own, in this time, I've pursued a sort of spiritual reawakening, learned to meditate and practice mindfulness and took up yoga . these things definitely have helped.

I've never, even with my wife, been able to carry a sense of being loved inside myself. If I am not with the person or talking to them, I feel like the love is just gone and I return to my default belief which is that I am broken and unloveable.

For the past two years I've texted my T pretty well everyday to check that she still loves me. I needed that sense of being deeply loved but I couldn't hold on to it.

Until the last few weeks. I thought of my T and got a beautiful warm feeling and realized I felt loved just thinking of her. Over the past few weeks we've discussed it over the idea that her love is ALWAYS there for me, and while I CAN keep checking, I don't need to ( and in answer to my fears my T volunteered that she wants this not so I don't text her, but because that feeling of not being loved is so painful for me).

We have worked on my eating disorder a lot but I continued to hate my body and engage in eating disorder behaviors. Then a few weeks ago, I was going to purge and then realized how violent that was, and how maybe I deserved compassion rather than violence.

I actually liked myself enough to say what I'd say to anybody else " don't do this. Its dangerous. You could get hurt. You are already fine, you are already loved, just as you are'

It sounds so simple... But its WORKING. and its the internalization of my T's voice, who hs said those same words to me hundreds of times.

I thought I'd ALWAYS hate my body but last week I was tearing myself apart as usual and suddenly I thought " but why not focus on the things you love about yourself?"
Which before I would have rejected as dumb but this time I tried it anyway. And its working. And that is my Ts voice inside me.

Of course I still have plenty of work to do. But suddenly I see the way out. I see where I am going and it's way more beautiful and happy than I ever anticipated.

I am shocked how HAPPY my life is just by removing those cruel internal narratives. My external life hasn't changed but I wake up feeling free and rich and joyful because I'm just fine. Right where I , right how I am , I am loved and beautiful and wanted and powerful. Right here, right now.

So yeah...it was a long slog and very dark at times and I often thought the pain would never end. But I was wrong