Thanks everyone. Tears are running down my face out of gratitude for having people that understand. I've denied myself support for so long. Part of the reason being my denying that I have a disorder that needs daily awareness. Partly due to the fact that none of my friends have bp disorder. A few are compassionate toward me but I can tell that they feel helpless so I don't go to them when I'm suffering. Maybe a huge part of it is that I beat myself up when I'm unstable, searching for what I did wrong, showing very little compassion for myself. Thank you all for your support and feedback. I'm practically sobbing as I write this (guess I am unstable) but mostly I'm sobbing because there are people who understand. It's time to stop denying myself the support I so badly need. Maybe I will call in sick after I write this. I'm in orientation so I could easily make up the days at the end of the week. I could never tell anyone at work my diagnosis. I take care of patients and I hear everyday how my fellow coworkers feel about people with a mental disorder. I know that I'm rambling on. I have hypertension. Mostly controlled. But if my blood pressure was sky high would I have a problem calling in and taking care of myself? We all know the answer. Then why do I
not have the same compassion for myself now? That is my biggest challenge with this disorder. Showing myself the compassion that you all have just showed me. That is the one thing that will keep me alive more than anything else. I'm going to do a few more post so I can meet y'all in the chat room.