There is improvement today. Can't be described really but is an improved clarity in thought. In 'wholeness'. ie. mind body coming back together. It is nice.

I immediately started thinking about going back to work this morning. I wrote up a whole plan. Then realized I'm probably still cycling from low grade up to low grade down, maybe with some bigger spikes (but smaller) than have been. This is good. lamictal is working. It's been 8 days I think, 9 maybe.

Risperdal is improving the executive functioning aspect. That too is up for 8-9 days and I had raised it on my own twice in the previous month. I think that helped me from this being worse actually. And it was kinda the most awful illness I've had. It's so confusing and bizarre yet amazing, etc.

I maintain the 'no suffering no pain' motto. This includes that my back is locked up presumably from risperdal. I took benadryl 3 times going back to last night, and I think it helped some. Tomorrow I will call and get cogentin. Way better for it but benadryl has anti-cholenergic properties so it's not a bad backup.

I am not really well yet. My therapist would say "You're not ready". My mom is visiting today. I do not want to, but will ask her clinical opinion, etc since she saw me really sick last week. (And told me a day or two later "you weren't safe" and "you will have to be much better to work or travel this week"). I think now I am just starting to get to the "getting much better" stage.

The truth is I need to be off this week and ease back in next. And the goal can be that I end up doing 1 or 2 four-hour days this week and bc of salary will count as full days. I started this job 2/29. I have some but not a ton of PTO and have probably used most of it by now. I think it's funny that this job started on a day that doesn't really exist. It's a catch-up, let's reset things, kind of day. '

And that's what it has been for me. This only proves the non-random theory. My life was reset on a special day that balances out time. I'm incredibly still into time/space stuff. I distract much of it. I did NOT look at powerball from last night and am not going to. I did not play either of course. I did set a possible date of 8/15 to look at it again, in a structured kind of hobby way. And see what all my notes were. There's a huge stack.

My therapist would say "you're still hypomanic" "you're not ready" (for work, etc)

So I'm not. It's alright. I'm going to be fine. And that is great.

Thanks. This helps me to clear out some things. You all are like tele-therapists! Sometimes when I've been well I've posted with others to help others. I'm sorry I'm kind of a "only need helped" and have no ability to help others right now. I need to focus on taking care of myself. My brain is just starting to come back on.