I've failed @ therapy for the past 4 years. Always ending up unhealthly attached to my ts, always obsessing about them.

Couple of weeks ago I finished with my last t. (Really hurt)
My pdoc is going to find a T for me this time, so that we make sure that it's a good professional, who can handle my attach/abandon issues.

Actually, my pdoc already has a new T which he has talked to, and is willing to work with me (I'm a really really really difficult patient)

Anyways, right now I'm out of town cause my mom is having surgery, and I'm staying with her for a couple of weeks. So...unable to see/talk to pdoc or the new T (I don't even know her yet)

Do I have a point here?
Not really...but the thing is that with all this situation, I find myself desperatly trying to find some online therapist to help me RIGHT NOW.

Talked to a few, but I'm just wasting my money...since it's not someone I'm going to continue therapy after I get back home.

I also did a couple of other things I'm ashamed of...like emailing ex-tssss that I sort of know already wouldn't reply back.

I did something even worst...I contacted one of my old t who does online therapy and pretended to be someone else (new patient) so that I can get at least a couple of emails from her, till she finds out it's me.

It's getting crazy...

I need to feel taken care of again. Not able to do that by myself yet. I want a t's total attention. I want to have a tantrum like a 4 year old...and have t hug me till I feel safe.

I just noticed what I wrote in those last sentences...really came from deep in my heart....I've started crying.