i got some things done today but it seems nothing can shake this. im starting a new job tomorrow. im terrified. ive never had real responsibility in a job before and im technically going to be self-employed so i have to get my head around the idea that im the one in control/responsible for EVERYTHING. i have to sort out tax ( ) and so many confusing things and get a lot of practical office stuff sorted and still be on the top of my game as far as the law is concerned and on top of that appear normal to everyone so i can 'make contacts' etc. i have a 'boss' whos directing me and i ll be doing work for him for a while until i get on my feet so i have to be the best i can be for him too. and i actually have a second boss so i have to be the best i can for them both. and i have so much crap from my past coming up at the moment too im really feeling totally overwhelmed. and my mum was on the phone crying to me today and saying she wasnt going to complain to me because i have my own problems right now. i couldnt even spare the energy to convince her to talk to me. plus a friend of mine whos mother is dying has been ringing and i know i should ring her back for a long chat instead of the few minutes ive spent with her but i just cant. and and and and and.
oh and this thursday will be the last time i can see my T for three weeks.
and this should be such an exciting time in my life and its such a phenomenal thing to be starting my career for real. i feel hideous that i cant be happier about it. i am happy. but im so scared. so really scared and not coping.
so hows that for a self pitying, attention seeking, pathetic whine? i wish so much i was stronger. this 'poor me' phase seems to have gone on for ever. when is it going to sink in that theres no one to catch me when i fall like this? thats my job.