Hi. It has been forever since I have posted here. I can give you the short version, there is not enough cyber space in the world to describe it all. My H has been borderline abusive for years. I have PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome because of him. I say borderline some days, he never put his hands on me, but abusive in other ways. I am reluctant to say abusive. Maybe it is my perception, maybe it is just a way to keep me mentally safe and not admit it is abuse, IDK. But that is neither here or there now.

That was my story almost a year ago, I left my H and we have been working with the T. I tole him I would not come back until he went to T faithfully alone, and we both saw the T together as well. He did as I asked. HE saw the T for about 4 months pretty regularly (some times he works out of town so he couldn't make it) and now he and I have been seeing the T togehter for 4 months or so. HE has made huge changes. He has learned to talk quieter and gentler, he has learned nto to call me names, he has learned to recognize when I am triggered and beyond reaching mentally. So there has been some positive to separating. He has a greatly improved relationship with our kids since I left. It kinda forced him to be a dad. Not jsut the dad who gets to enjoy the kids when he wants to .HE has had to deal with troubled (teenage kids) and sickness, and loss of gf's and so many things. It has been good for him to be a parent.

I am living not to far away from my H becasue we are separated. The intention was always for me to return home. We get better, fix our mistakes, make the necessary changes and resume with our marriage. The date in which we were to resume (the final last date) was August. That is like in 6 weeks. I am starting to panic.

The T told me at the beginning of this that I was not able to make safe decisions for myself. I agreed. (I stayed for all kinds of crazy abuse, and OCD crap, and gaslighting and worse, lets just leave it at that for now) I told the T that I trust her completely. What she says goes. If she says never go back , then that is what I will do. If she says I think it is ok to keep trying then that is what I will do.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME... I jsut need to talk, I need to get it all out, and it may be confusing, I jsut need to see it and feel it. Sorry again, in advance. So it is getting close to time to go back, and last week at the end of the session my T says "I don't think you are ready to go back in August, you've made changes but I jsut don't think you are strong enough." What led her to say that was a conversation we had in joint T the week before. I was very afraid to confront him, it was not even an issue that involved me. It involved our son. But I was so afraid. That fear is a reason not to go back yet. I was afraid to confront him. Not that what he had done was that bad, it was jsut average run of hte mill stuff. While we were in the session my H interrupted me. This is not the first time he has interrupted me. I know that is nothing huge. IT happens some times. But he does that, he talks over me, and he knows I cannot remember very well. Due to the PTSD and the dissociative issues I have, it is very difficult to remember things. I am getting better at it, but still not there. So my H interrupted me, and that is usually what he does when he is frustrated. That way he can change subjects, and switch things around and cause me to forget what I was talking about in the first place. It works to. But this time I said to him "Wait, you interrupted me" I should have said "WAIT, YOU INTERRUPTED ME !!!!!!!!! DAMMIT !!!! But instead it was not very audible. IT was very meek and quiet. Infact he may hot have even heard me. (though he likely did) But the way I said it lacked authority, it lacked a demand for respect, instead it was said as a quiet observation. The T has advised me not to return in August until I gain better control over those skills. She is not saying never go back, jsut not right now. I'm not sure how I feel bout that. Somedays I am really good with that. IF I am honest with myself, most days I am really good with that. Somedays I am not, but I am having a hard time deciding what I want.

Today I was talking with my H, (me and hte kids have been staying the weekends with him in order to adjust to moving home and making sure he is "safe" to be around. (mentally safe) I told him I was having a hard time committing to returning in 6 weeks. The reason was it is so nice and calm at my house. I can relax there, there is no stress, no rules. Well he didn;t like that. He is ready for me to come home. That's all I hear, I am so ready for you to come home, I miss you, when are you coming home? It is a lot to bare mentally. He didn;t understand what I was saying. I was saying, I like how things are now, and I am having a hard time leaving. Instead he said "well sure life alone is less stressful, and not having all of us togehter is less stressful. Ohhhh he is not going to make this easy. I'm not sure I am ready to come home.

I dropped it. No need in fighting about it, I said what I needed to say, I don;t need for him to like it, right now all I need to do is way what I need to say. We got into a discussion about our upcoming plans for July 4th. I asked him if he wanted to go with me and the kids to do anything. He waited a few min and then he said OK, sure. I told him alright, but there's one thing. You have to be patient and understanding when it comes to the kids. He wanted to know what I meant. (we have 3 kids) I told him last year I remember more than anything else how terrible july 4th was because he flipped out. One of the kids didn;t get supper so we went threw the drive threw and a kid got food. Of Course the little one didn't have to go potty while we are at the restaurant, that woudl be to easy. But she had to go afterwards. So we had to make two stops totalling 10 min all togehter. But he flipped out, and did hte usual " I am not going anywhere with yall ever again This is why I don't do anything with you, and even YALL RUIN EVERYTHING. So a perfectly good night ruined for sure.

So I told my H I did not want a repeat of last year. He wanted to know how much more patient was he going to have to be. I reminded him the more people involved the more patient he has to be. It jsut takes time to meet everyone's needs. He wasn't very nice. His body language scares me. It leaves me feeling intimidated. He said "Fine then, NO, I don't want to go" I told him I was not trying to take away his joy of being a parent, I was tno trying to make it so he couldn't see the kids. Just be nice, thats all I ask, be flexible and be nice. HE said " No, IT's a work day, and it will be late, and I might be less then happy" The kids beg me every year, to leave daddy at home. He makes everything so technical. No one likes that kind of control. So then the question in my mind is 1. Was I wrong to say anything (questioning myself which is a no no) 2. Is he saying he can;t be nice, no one is going to tell him what to do (which is controlling) 3. Was I wrong to bring up the past, I was keeping score as he calls it. 4. Did I really do something wrong and hurt his feelings. ( I'm double thinking again) IDK, IDK, IDK.

After that he got up and left the room, and locked the bathroom door. He jsut up and left. What hte hell. HE went and locked himself in a different room, no explanation, jsut a pissed look, get up and locked the door. I left him alone. I'm no dummy. SO I gave him a few min. He said he had hte door locked because he needed to use the bathroom. That is not what it sounded liek to me, I could hear him rambling threw stuff. But who am I to say, Your not PEEING!!!. It's not for me to say. When he came out he seemed fine .But hen he saw our son and went off on him. HE was cooking. My H told him when you re done clean up, I mean every glass, every piece of silverware, clean the cabinets, and don;t forget to do the stove. When I come back in here if it is not done right YOU WILL come back in here and do it all over again. My son jsut looked at him like "damn dad." Then my H walked out and went outside and went on about his business. My son asked what was up with that, so I told him.

OMG, I am out of my freaking mind. I am contemplating returning to this insanity. What hte " F " is wrong with me. I can see it, I can see the writing on the wall, yet I am afraid to say NO, I CAN'T DO IT, I can't return to this. WHAt is wrong with me. I am torn, I see the truth, but I dont have the balls to step back and say NO, NO, THis is not right.!!!!!!!!!

OK, I Don't know what I am looking for form you guys. I am so confused, and I don't want to think anymore. I want to scream and cry, I want to run away, I want confirmation that it is ok to be afraid, I want to know that I am justified. My H will try to convince me with his every breath and with all his power and might to convince me I am wrong, and nto being fair.

If you have any suggestions or comments please be nice. Don't tell me I am a fool, don't make me feel worse than I already do. Help me see, IDK what I want or need. I feel broken and needy, I don't need condemning to make it worse.