I have an appointment coming up where my pdoc wants to discuss lithium and ECT.

Lithium is a non-starter for me because I have lost 55 pounds since last September and still need to lose 15 to be at a real healthy weight.

ECT scares me because I have a bad memory as it is and it is just plain scary!

My pdoc has said over and over that my meds aren't helping and we are nearing the end of the med list. That isn't quite true Gabapentin, which I take for nerve pain(not a diabetic thankfully) helps my anxiety as does Klonopin but I am still a jittery mess every day. I am stuck on the lowest dosage of Geodon because the next step causes terrible side-effects and it sort of works. It doesn't matter to me if it works or not it is not like I don't know that my hallucinations are not real. Remeron is only a sleep aid and does nothing for depression. I also take fiorocet for tension headaches, imitrix for the rare migraine and simvastatin for lipid levels, which are almost normal so I am hoping to get off those soon as well.

The issue is that not only do they not really work all that well I have low energy all day and just feel tired and it seems like it is all the medication. Putting dishes in the dishwasher is a difficult thing these days.

I know these drugs have wicked withdrawal so I would need to do one at a time very slowly. My issue will be with my pdoc. He seems to think there is a rock that we haven't turned over that will magically fix me. I don't want to lose him because he actually solicits my input and takes it seriously, so maybe he will listen.

Yeah, I get compulsions to saw off my feet(I have neuromas in both feet) and pull out all my teeth(massive dental anxiety and psychoness) but I get those on medication so what if they continue? Some days I can barely walk or eat so it wouldn't be a big loss anyway. I am posting this at 12:40 AM my time because I have been trying to work the nerve up to brush my teeth, even though my dentist recently told me I am in no danger of losing them but I am afraid brushing will make them fall out, even though I get compulsions to yanked them out, Yeah I don't make any sense. My pdoc doesn't know about these since I also fear getting myself tossed back into the psych ward.

I have constant depression, for 21 years and counting and it is not like the meds are helping that and no anti-depressant has put a dent into it, ever.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not but I am on a ton of meds and it can't go on forever, right? Has anyone massively cut back on their meds without being symptom free and how did it go?

Thanks and sorry for the long post.