For so so long I have been feeling like I daily must wrestle a kind of monster. The monster, I know, is in my head. The feeling of it is like I DID SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG maybe as a child and am now "paying" for it with terrors, anxiety, more fear, substance abuse (though sober now), etc. This thing I did must have been very bad because the punishment is very bad. Anyway, I'm just damn tired of it. Also, for so so long, I have been in search of a "diagnosis." It's like if I can just find my correct malady, my symptoms will suddenly be OK and I get get effective treatment with all the others who have the same thing. But so far no luck. Underneath it is a sense of unreality, like I am here on Earth but not working with the same reality as others are. Really really tired...