I hate to say this because I don't want to sound like I'm whining or seeking attention, but I feel I need to ask someone. So here it goes.

A year and a half ago, my mother died of cancer. But before she died things got strange, like I felt I was always the person on the outside of the family. My mother scolded me for not keeping the house clean, which she was right, but she would sometimes yell at me, and the last thing she said to me before dying, other than bye, was her yelling at me for not doing something right.

Then I found out my parents gave up a sibling before I was born, and suddenly these feelings of being the outside child made sense. I suddenly was the middle child, and it made sense why I was ignored sometimes, or something else was a priority.

But now my best friends have moved away and I'm the only one trying to keep in contact. This has gone on for a year, so I stopped texting my friends for a month. So far, no one has contacted me. Not my father or brother. Not my friends. Just people from work about work.

I'm trying to figure out if I did something wrong or if I'm just paranoid. Maybe I am supposed to be alone. I've tried to convince myself I can handle it, but on weekends sometimes when I'm not working I think about my friends and family and realize they aren't here, and the loneliness sets in to the point of having anxiety attacks. I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappear, or if it would have been better if I had always been alone. At least then I wouldn't know loss.

I'm not sure what to do anymore. All I really have left is my work. What should I do?