sorry for posting those dirty thoughts..

i must of been a little drunk.. its all so blurry... i think everything was fine, people were really happy to see me
i mean i dont think i was drunk... im pretty sure everything was fine... i guess just the sleeping side woke up when i left..

that stuff stresses me out though people have no clue the weights and chains i drag around, the heavy weights of shame and pain..

i hate being like this.. such an inconsistent fool but its hard to be consistent when you cant remember things that are happening..
if everything combined then i probably would turn into a maniac... and then really no one would ever want to see me or talk to me or whatever..
but i seem consistent in the eyes of others it seems... what a mirrored maze of lies and deceit... but then again i dont want anyone to know anyway so whatever.. i guess it works... just sometimes i wish that things could be different, maybe not go through this alone..

i just hope that i didnt do anything to make anything worse for me.. the less people know the easier it is
its just hard to keep yourself in one place when your mind is escaping, evading...
sorry about writing negative things here.. i guess some part of me just tries to have some outlet.. but its not sustainable, its not ideal...
trying to knock it off..

i gotta figure out how to pull myself together.. i dont want to die
its just really hard.. and i am so scared of myself.. of everyone... of repercussions..
but how do you get the courage to face it.. face something you cant, i am too weak..

its a terrible thing when the life you have is so... i can't even think of a word to describe it
i just cant face my life.. im a coward

sorry about this.. i've been trying really hard to keep myself away from writing these type of things, i mean why write something stupid in a place other people can read it?
what good can it do

i dunno why i do it... sorry...

therapy in 4 days.. everything will be fine.. i just have to learn to leave it where it should be and not expose stupid thoughts to other people with probably worse/more complicated problems than i...
im just a cry baby.. dont mean to make people think badly of me.. im fine..

been drinking more again lately
i just suck at handling problems.. stress... i dont know how to handle anything, what a cave man brain

grrr.. if i was already drunk i dunno why i had to inflict self harm, cant i be happy with just 1 or the other? i guess stress just makes you really stupid, but i dont think i ever was as smart as everyone always claimed i was... bragged about.. how could i of been?
but then again i dont remember anything anyway, i've just got brain damage... and im probably dieing.. should make the best of what little dumb life i have left

sorry again.. i hate tainting this place with such empty cries, insight into a stupid imprisoned tortured mind..
i seriously need to go away before someone here finds this forum and if they ever do it might only be a short while before identifying me, if i dont even want to know whats going on in my own head then i surely cant live with someone else finding out and hounding me with stupid things like "im here for you" "you can get through this" "things will get better" i cant stand it.. guess thats why i put on other faces.. if im doing that then clearly i dont even want to think about things, so just .. whatever..
i hate this.. too much shame..


over and out.. i'll maybe try to come back some time later... if i can keep my retarded self away from spamming retardednesses

goodluck...