Hi Wendy <hugs & kisses>

You are so sweet, ty for caring. I really am amazed by expressions of caring and concern - in all my years no one has ever worried about me as much as everyone here. Sometimes it actually stops me from posting because I hate the thought of hurting anyone on here. I have always been more concerned with others, than myself - too much past experience and reinforcement beginning with my parents and thru life, that Mary Alice is only worth air space when she is accomplishing something or doing something that someone needs her to do.

I thought about your statement about my cutting.............and maybe it did. I know that the thoughts of blocking him and trying to maintain those walls around him were in my mind when I made some more cuts last night. And yes, I think he is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time. His opinion matters to me, and the thought of not seeing him and being able to talk to him terrifies me.

And yes, in part it has something to do with my husband's statement. What will happen is I will be forced to push myself back into a high paying job that physically will hurt me. I won't be able to just let things slide and let my family suffer. I will put aside all the doctor's instructions and do what I need to do - and then I will pay the price physically by ending up in the hospital for more surgery. Because of my over doing already, I ended up in the ER last night for over 7 hours - I will explain that in a diff post. I was told to decrease my activities.......sure, I can. The night before my appt. my husband refused to drive me.....even though I can't drive right now without a great deal of pain with my stick shift. He screamed at me for hours (in front of my son no less) and called me numerous names because he was out of cigs and if I didn't care enough about him to get him a pack, I could drive myself. I have no money right now, and I am having to constantly overdraw my checking just to keep his mouth shut.

I despise asking people for help - it just shows me that I can't handle things and am more useless. I had to do it at my son's school (private school) so that he could continue going there. I am so far behind on his tuition and now another new year with over $1000 in fees due plus last years. He wants to be in the Scouts, so mom went asking for help and they are going to get him the manual and shirt so he can be part of it. I want him to socialize more and be with the other kids........my husband could care less about his getting a better education or anything. He hates the school and constantly gives them a hard time. He is an embarassment, 98% of the time.

Wendy, I never disregard or ignore what you say. I appreciate the fact that anyone reads my ramblings and takes the time to respond and care. You're very special.

Mary Alice