hi Heidu,

Like I said, thanks to my T I am realizing that my past has made somethings built into me - it has shaped how I feel about myself.

I was in trouble once and my parents wouldn't write to me "because I wasn't worth the postage". If I got B's in school, it was wtf is wrong with me, because I must not be applying myself and not caring because I was capable of more - so Mary Alice pushed and always got A's then. I was the 10th person in my graduating class, and it was still not good enough - I mean 9 other people were better than me. I'm not saying that for sympathy, just stating the facts of how expectations have always been set very high for me - and I have now internally set them even higher. I am my own worst critic.

I go to see my T and come here for the same reason - people care. It is the only 2 places where I can really say what I feel and someone understands...........and where no one really "wants" anything from me, unlike in real life. There is a small part of me that does NOT want to die - a very small one, but it is there. Yes, I am tired of being hurt, used and told that I "have" to do this, "have" to do that.........otherwise I don't care, I don't meet other people's standards.

As long as the nice efficient me is running things, they go smoothly. That only happens when I don't allow myself to feel any kind of emotion. Yes, I have value to my son. That is the reason I haven't done it a long time ago. He is happy just curled up with me..........when I get to preoccupied with things he will walk up to me and say, "No hug, no kiss, what's up with that?" lol. We talk at night before we go to sleep..........and he knows that I love him more than anything else in the world. He saw my cuts and that bothered him - he doesn't miss much.

I have been told that I am a "cold, heartless, unfeeling, self-centered ******", etc.............but a beautiful person before - never. Thank you for such a wonderful compliment {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}. I am myself here and with my T, the two places I feel safe at.

Mary Alice