I get it, hvert. My mother-in-law does this. Or she used to, until I set firm boundaries, which she doesn't necessarily respect, but I feel like I've been forced into being so strict. When I met my now-husband, he was living with his parents and we lived hours apart. So I stayed weekends at their house when we were dating.

They have an extremely enmeshed family, so they nosed into every single aspect of my relationship. Ugh. When DH and I got serious, we bought a house an hour away from them, much to their chagrin and my relief.

Still MIL called me daily. I used to wonder if she was "checking up" to make sure I was being a good wife. Then I thought maybe she genuinely liked me as a friend and she was desperately trying to hold on to her son by staying close (and influencing me). Both were true. She wanted to know everything so she could gossip, gripe, guilt, or get in on it. She started planning her summer vacation time to match ours. So I changed ours and then got the guilt trip (mind you we still took a vacay in the fall when we even stayed with them every year). All my hobbies were suddenly something she just looooved. They demanded every single holiday, no matter how minor. They wanted precise travel itineraries, details about our every move, access to our bank accounts... ridiculous. When I met them, I had been living on my own for 12 years already. Talk about feeling smothered.

We reached a critical threshold in the last year. Without getting too detailed about our big family falling-out, I am very low contact with her now. And that's after 6 months of no contact. I have set fair and clear boundaries with her and she refuses to respect them, just sobs and says she doesn't understand. So I repeat... sigh.

My MIL is seriously codependent and my FIL has severe mental health issues that exacerbate hers. We've even tried family therapy. There's nothing else I can do except continue to behave respectfully toward her while standing behind my boundaries like a junkyard dog.

I can't tell her anything. She manipulates in the same way your mom does. It's frustrating, disrespectful, and beyond exhausting. If it were up to her, we would check with her before we used the bathroom. We would have no autonomy. Because she is my husband's mother, I tread as lightly as possible, but when someone is that determined and tenacious, it is nearly impossible to communicate a boundary without things getting blown out of proportion. Then I have to make even more stringent boundaries to get the point across - vicious cycle much?

Regardless of how you cope with it, that behavior is unhealthy, smothering, and downright toxic. And you have to draw a line some time, or you become a doormat, in my experience. I miss her a little once in a great while, but I'm glad I finally said 'enough' and took a stand for myself. Life is much better now. Sorry you're dealing with this too. It sucks to have to hide your life from family just to keep your sanity, but sometimes it's the only way to protect yourself.