i'm a little apprehensive after last time. i think i've done a fairly good job at showing him that i can take other peoples perspectives quite well. i understand why my father left. i understand why he needs to take time off. stuff like that. i think... he likes that. though he does keep pressing me 'do you feel angry about that? are you sure you don't have any anger about that?' it is hard (next to impossible) to feel angry if you are understanding something from someone elses perspective. if you just focus on that. if you focus on the frustrated needs then angry, sure, but impossible to feel angry if you just focus on the other persons point of view, their perspective and rationale behind their behaviour.

last time... i talked to him about some stuff i didn't know how to describe. i try and describe. i try and describe charitably, understanding things from the others point of view. but i'm also so %#@&#! angry at this particular person. sometimes i describe charitably and sometimes i describe uncharitably. i switch between the descriptions. i can't maintain one for long. people have a preference for single mindedness over completeness (in binocular rivalry people report rapidly switching percepts rather than an integrated percept) and i switch rapidly in my description of the situation.

and my anger is... unreasonable. unappealling. grotesque. vaguely frightening. and i don't think he liked it much. watching me go round and round and round in these head circles winding myself up. i wanted to show him. i wanted him to see. the time before we talked and i told him some hard stuff, but it was stuff i have a fairly clear view of. in a way this stuff is harder becuase i don't have a clear view of it yet. maybe i wanted to see how much he was willing / able to help me sort through this mess...

the session didn't feel very good. i think... he was longing for the previous one. me being cool and calm and collected and empathetic. me feeling the pain but in a manageable and collected way. feeling connected to each other. feeling nice and polite and vaguely loveable and empathetic.

or maybe i'm projecting.

i'm just... a little apprehensive about how things are going to go tomorrow. then... one more session then... his week off. to be with his kids. i don't know that he will tell me about his life anymore. thats kind of good. i didn't really know how to tell him that he shouldn't really tell me about his life. how come? because my psyche will try and stabotage things... the more i know his weaknesses the more my psyche will tap into those weaknesses and the more i'll feel like i need to censor myself otherwise burnout is immanent. he really shouldn't trust me too much... 'cause the anger might be directed at him one day...