Hi sweetie, welcome back. I often just give suggestions but I'm going to flat out tell you my opinion.

You should not go back now. I do not think you should reconcile. Period. I think he cannot or will not change. He is extremely abusive to you and sometimes to the kids. He appears to be treading water during your couples counseling to appear loving and willing to change - but he's not doing a good job. I feel very confident that he unfortunately will not change.

Frankly, I'm worried that the abuse will escalate if you reconcile. I think he will unleash his wrath on you and punish you for you leaving. I think you are very fragile and damaged by this man and that you could sink further - and then remain in this abusive, toxic marriage and be too scared to leave ever again.

I think your children are hurting as the marital household is toxic. If they aren't scared of him, they are angry at him by the way he treats you and his poor relationship with them. They would flourish in a calm, loving household. They would experience what you have experienced during your time away. Peace. Not being scared or bullied. Safe.

Stay in individual therapy. You need that after everything you've been through.

Hire the best darn divorce lawyer in town. Have ALL communications go between the attorneys. You would have no obligation to talk to him whatsoever despite what he says. Get divorced. You will be stressed and uncertain about your new future awaiting you and custody of the kids. Your therapist will be supporting you and help you cope.

Your attorney will handle every aspect of your divorce. Get a good one and tell them what your marriage is like. Tell your attorney all communications needs to be through attorneys during the divorce. Tell your attorney to get you out of this marriage, to get what you are legally entitled to, custody issues, everything.

Place your trust in your attorneys hands. If you have any friends that are divorced ask if they had a good attorney and get their name. Call the local bar association where you live and tell them you need a divorce attorney that is very experienced in high conflict divorces. You will receive free initial consultations with attorneys. Go to at least three attorneys and pick the one you like the best. And then have them start working on your case right away.

Having all communications only through the attorneys will prevent him from gas lighting you, lashing out at you, baiting you, controlling you, confusing you, saying you are being crazy, and manipulating you. If he calls you don't pick up. If he rings your doorbell do not answer. There will be absolutely NOTHING that the two of you will need to discuss. If he harasses you, tell your attorney. If there are issues withe kids, tell your attorney.

Ask your attorney about access to your bank accounts so you will have money in case he handles the finances. Don't wipe out a bank account as those are marital assets and that is a no-no in the judge's eyes. If he tries to do that have your attorney do what is called a financial accounting. It will legally protect your share of the financial assets and reveal if he is hiding assets. If he drains his 401(k) that will be uncovered. You are entitled to half of that, half of everything.

Your attorney may be able to have the court order temporary financial support from him to you if he is the breadwinner. Stay on his health insurance through the divorce if you are on his insurance plan.

I married a narcissist and when we divorced, our attorneys communicated and I felt safer and so much less stressed. It was expensive but worth every penny for my attorney to advocate for me as I was too passive and scared to stand up for myself. Because I wasn't allowed to assert myself during my marriage, like yours. I literally felt brainwashed from all the abuse over the years. Severe emotional abuse where he had all the control and demeaned me regularly. I was a shell of the confident woman I used to be. That confidant woman is back and she is happy...I have healed and my child is flourishing and happier.

If you are disabled and became disabled during the marriage, tell your attorney. I became disabled during my marriage of 16 years. My ex has to pay me alimony for the rest of my life because of my disability. This is separate from regular alimony. My ex has to keep me as sole beneficiary on his life insurance policy. I was not required to keep him on mine. My child is the sole beneficiary now.

All this sounds overwhelming but your attorney will handle it. I am an attorney and hired a divorce lawyer when I divorced. For my mental health. So don't worry about all the legalities and what-ifs. Take of you and love the children.

I give you such firm suggestions from my own experience in my marriage. My attorney said my case was the highest conflict divorce she'd ever handled and she had a lot of experience. My ex and I had no direct communication with each other during the divorce. The attorneys handled that. During the divorce, the judge ordered that pickup and drop off of our child to each other for court scheduled visitation must occur in a public place with cameras. We did that in a grocery store parking lot with cameras and I never got out of my car. We still do this today and only text occasionally and only concerning our child. Such as, I'm on the way to pick up K..stuck in traffic will be 15 minutes late.

I am 100% happier since I divorced. My child is much happier and is glad we divorced. I have 50% custody and she prefers to spend as much time at my home than his. She is safe and well cared for at her dad's but he is still controlling. I do not speak ill of her father to her but we are close and I listen to her and support her if she needs to talk about her dad. He has calmed down considerably since the divorce but he will never change. Your husband won't either, I think.

Last thing which I think you already know....you cannot be in the same house with him during the divorce. Most women have the husband move out of the marital home. I did not do that. I had to escape. He kept the marital home and paid me my share of equity.

Don't go back. Move forward. You are in my thoughts and PM me anytime. I understand what you are going through and I will listen and support you. You will get through this and have a new lease on life. My only regret is that I didn't get out sooner.

Huge hugs to you...