Hi BigMama,

My heart goes out to you.

I am new here. Your account in this thread supports the fact that you have been trying to heal your marriage in good faith. It also seems like your husband has been also trying; yet, it appears he continues to fall short of what you and your children need most. It's sad for everyone, as a failure to reconcile means a "loss." Losses can be difficult to navigate as well.

I honestly believe you know what you need to do. Nobody else can tell you what to do, they can only make suggestions based upon their observations and/or upon what you share with them.

It's a bit disconcerting that there is already conflict over July 4th, again. I am not sure why anyone would wonder how patient they would need to be for the children? Children are children and they need varying amounts of patience. As adults, we must be prepared for whatever they happen to need in any given circumstance.

I understand he might feel very frustrated with the fact that you are not ready to come home. Even so, the idea that he'd needed coaching about how much patience he might need with his children on July 4th seems very discouraging and may well be a sign that he has not changed much, that he is not capable of a kinder, gentler approach despite the time spent in therapy?

Have you and your husband gone out on dates during this time, just to have some idea of how things go between you both without the children present, etc.? It may be you two just do not resonate with one another anymore, which is something that would become very apparent if/when you were to spend time alone, without the children or others around you.

I do get the feeling that you would need to be able to take a strong stand, and hold your ground, with him if you were to get back together at any point. Some couples are well-matched in this way and easily resolve their differences in this way. However, if one party is looking for, and is needing, the upper hand, the confrontational style will not work so well. It will only continue to escalate.

I am a firm believer in encouraging people to fully evaluate and to make their own decisions on relationships, as they are the ones living in, or saying goodbye to, the relationship. They are the ones who live with the impact upon their lives.

I wish you continued healing. I hope you will know, with clarity, what's best at any given time. These are very important decisions, for sure.

In Support of You and Your Family,
WC

Please show yourself lots of patience and self-compassion.