well, I did it. I emailed her. I cancelled. I did not ask to reschedule. She is not even in town this week. I feel sad, I feel relieved, I feel mad, I feel defeated, I feel like crying. Too exhausted to do any of those things. And the cycle goes on, I have that mindset of screw everything and I am just going to be really busy so I can forget and I will be fine, in my own way at least. I cannot do this any longer (I mean T), not like this. I wish we would have had some sort of agreement that I cannot do this (ie. come back x amnount of times b/f leaving to talk about things), we talked about it once but that was it...

alexandra & mouse- there are a few things I can't talk to her about, things that I am ashamed of or things that may make me look... weak? bad?? something negative?? I know I have problems w/ this. I like the idea of saying why I can't tell her certain things- or feel reluctant to. I think I will try to write those things down for myself and take it from there.

ECHOES- see what I wrote above re: quitting... you are right in that I know I can't escape some things any longer, though I think the other half is that it is just too much I am so overwhelmed thus I can't do this on top of everything else

pinksoil- when I talked to my T about debating whether to come back I said exactly what you said- that I would be taking a coping mechanism away. And I know that. but I don't think it is enough right now. I learned to be good at making my T sessions 'mine' and focus on things I needed help w/- but lately I have just had nothing to say, nothing seemed worth saying, the only obvious thing was my mom.

tsha- I have done that too, journalled and then brought that in, and it has generally been helpful. I have also become a lot more open and honest, though I still struggle w/ getting things out at times, and I guess this may be one of the times I was not verbal enough... or maybe I was. I know technically my T is there for me, but I don't feel like that is really true, it is very conditional. and I hate feeling 'needy' which I know is another issue.

perna- I like your suggestion and your argument. Who knows what will happen, it is something good to keep in mind if I were to go back at some point, which I think I will, but not now.