Here is the background: I was married at 27 to a man 10 years older than me; I already had a son 2 yrs old from a prior brief marriage. "Steve" and I had two more children and he also basically raised my son that I came to the marriage with. We were pretty happy for about the first 10 years. Then I noticed changes; he would often be depressed, act erratic, became very selfish. Not very family oriented. He blamed me for all of his unhappiness. I was a stay at home mom... did all the typical kid related stuff, was super involved, classroom mom, etc. My husband was an executive and traveled a lot. He moved up in his career and really was very successful but the more success and money, the more withdrawn and depressed he became. He would not go to therapy or consider meds. Around year 15, he really targeted me as the reason he was unhappy and began acting out in an aggressive way - he pushed me a few times, he called me names in front of the kids, super angry and uncontrollable yelling at times. I was walking on eggshells. No one else knew this, he was so mild mannered in front of others and at work.

By our 18th year of marriage (2 years ago), I made the decision to leave. His behavior was becoming scary - he refused to receive his mail at our home, he became paranoid that I was making changes to his cell phone plan so he changed our family passcode on a daily basis, he became ultra withdrawn and took his dinner and ate in his home office every night. He began flaking on things he promised to the kids, such as coming to some of their events. By the time I filed for divorce, I didn't recognize this person at all. He would not move out of our home, so I had to move. Something I now regret, because he is still comfortably living there and refused to let me back in to retrieve some more of my person items.

The legal aspect has been as ugly as it can get. He has lied in court, won't produce documents, and fights the divorce in general along the way. He would not ever go to a mediator - and now we have a trial set for the end of this month. Custody has been worked out, it's all financial now. I have sole custody of our older daughter (per her therapist, he was verbally abusing her, so there is to be no contact), and he has 50-50 with our youngest which so far is OK but I am monitoring that.

The last two years, I have casually dated 3 people for just very short periods - and those were not guys I really should have ever dated in the first place. I'm 47 but in great shape, most people think I am early 30s, and really my whole family looks young so I may have lucked out with good genes. I am very active and lucky enough to now have a job that pays well, so I have a lot of opportunity to travel both with and without my kids. The problem is, I cannot seem to meet anyone to have a relationship with... or even to date for that matter. So often people ask if I am dating anyone and I just cringe at that question. I feel like when I say no, they must think something is wrong with me. A few times, I have had friends say I "should" be dating. That's nice, but HOW do I even go about that? I don't want to do online dating, the one time I tried, I was too intimidated and it didn't seem natural. It seems like everyone else who is single around me lucks into meeting someone nice. That just doesn't happen to me.

Adding to this is that my ex pretty much found someone right away... she is JUST like me, even looks like me. He does all of the things for her that he used to complain in doing for me. Granted, she lives a bit far from him so they only see each other on weekends and sometimes not that often. It really bothers me that this man who was (and I am sure still is) mentally ill, was able to get someone - who is really pretty and smart by the way - and I'm the one who is alone and feeling lonely?? It just adds salt to the wound.

Wondering if anyone can relate. I go to events at work and am just blown away by how quickly most everyone else is showing up with a "new man" who seems great and I'm there by myself or with a family member. I loved being in a marriage and not that I need that again but I do want someone in my life - I am happy with my life, but it feels like something is missing. I am just not sure how to go about it, or if I need to chill and just wait until it happens, not force it? Hoping someone can relate, thanks!