So, I've been having lots of trouble at work, I've posted about that many times. I also run off at the mouth, I've posted about that. I'm not mean, if anything I'm too passive, but I just say exactly what's on my mind and I talk a lot, sometimes I get too focused on me.

This leads me to "telling my story" to everyone. I talk openly about my mental health. Part of me thinks, ****, this is very personal, why do you share this, they're going to judge you, they're going to think you're looking for attention or sympathy, or maybe they think I'm exaggerating my symptoms. I dunno. For years now I've said, screw 'em, this is me.

At this point everyone at work knows my business and it just now started to freak me out. A co-worker in a position of power has agreed to save me from the job I hate. So we were just talking about the new job, I've known him for 15 years and like everyone else he knows my issues.

As we are discussing the game plan to get me moved to another department I said, "Oh, what a relief! I mean, I was only on 2 meds when I started here 15 years ago, now I'm on 7 meds a day!" I even told him I'm on an amphetamine. He made a little joke that he wishes he was on amphetamines. He has seen me in pretty bad shape before an right now I'm more stable than I've ever been, which is why I think this is finally happening.

My implication when telling him about the meds was that getting into a new job could really help my mental health. If I was truly interested in my work, I might not get so mentally exhausted and might not need the Adderall to help me focus on this **** I'm totally burned out on. I've lost 100% interest in my job.

So, I take my Adderall, I put in my earbuds and I just do my job like it's the most interesting work I've ever done in my life. With the exception of those days when even taking my 2nd Adderall 3 hours after getting there, even that does nothing sometimes. I sit there yawning with my eyes watering and my brain jumping around.

I just sit and flip around between work, personal email, reading the same work emails over and over trying to just focus on the words of a simple request. Sometimes I give up and start talking to coworkers. They want to talk, but they look scared. Like, what if they get talking to me? Oh god talking has become a big no-no in my department, at least for me. It never used to be this way. We used to have a lot of fun.

The new department I'd be going to is much more laid back. They encourage social behavior and knowledge sharing, very cool group of people.

So, I'm terrified that I sabotaged this by my telling my new boss about all the meds. Then I got nervous and tried to call him one night at 9:00 in the evening right when he was fighting with his partner about working too much. So I texted the next day and just said I hoped I wasn't scaring him and that I'd calm down after the transfer.

He didn't say anything. But I'm trying so hard to vow not to text or call again. I need to just accept it is what it is. Either this will happen or it won't. But he said, "This happens REALLY fast." I said, "How fast? Days? Weeks?" He said, "Weeks." That was a week and a half ago. Now I'm just left with my imagination. Believe me, when given the chance I will always go to the darkest place.

So instead of just believing it is really going to happen, that someone understands me and is standing up for me, and instead of being excited about it, I've become very depressed. I'm convincing myself I've screwed it up, or something during the transfer will get rejected by HR, or my department is going to put up a fight because I'm the best whipping boy they could have ever imagined.

My psychiatrist today told me to set myself a rule, like I won't ask about the job again for at least another week. I mean, I can't just sit there forever wondering! But they won't let me sit there forever, right? Or would they, if it falls through, just never say a word. I definitely need to leave him alone for a while, right? It's only been a week and a half. I am just going a little nuts, sitting there all day waiting to get that phone call, waiting for a boss to call me into their office to tell me it's happening, sitting there trying to figure out if I should act surprised or let on that I knew it was happening or just for once in my life try to just have no outward reaction at all.