I said I wouldn't talk about myself but I am wondering if anyone has felt this way before

My mother left me in state custody when I was 15 because my new stepfather didn't want me. Ever since then I have done things and made myself lose almost every person in my life. I lived with a family for a year and was almost adopted when I was 16, but my behavior was so bad that my foster mother left me at a hospital and suddenly stopped all contact with me, an entire church had encouraged her to do so. Then after that I was in a transitional home and I tried to find meaningful friendships, but actually people just tolerated me. After that I lived with a room mate, and considered her a good friend. She cared about me. She said so. But she couldn't stand the way I acted. She moved after 1 year, to another state. We still talk on the phone or skype sometimes, so I haven' t completely lost her but she told me she has to handle me in "small doses". I take full responsibility for everyone I lost. I'm a toxic person..and I'm working on it. That isn't the point of this thread.

The thing that confuses me is, I admire the people who have left me and consider them worthy because they were important enough to someone (me). With my mother, part of me knows that what she did was terrible. The other part of me sees her as strong and bold. While I'm the pathetic weak one for clinging to her and caring. With my foster mother, I still think about her every day and I am almost sure she she never thinks of me. I think it makes her a strong, wonderful person to be able to just switch off any emotions and 100% let me go.

I don't know if it makes me a better person or a worse person for feeling this way, but sometimes I wish someone would. be afraid of losing me like I am them. For once I could be the strong person, not the pathetic, weak clingy one.

I also never throw anything away because I cling to everything,.so when I do throw something away I feel powerful, if that,makes sense.