I wish I could give you a real hug right now. You sound so lost. I agree with TishaBuv....I was an abandoned child, now I'm a mum, and I would never leave my children. I have my own MI to deal with, and both my boys have mental issues as well. We endure together.
I've thought a lot about my issues, and I believe everyone needs someone that loves them no matter what....usually that comes in the form of a parent's unconditional love. If you don't get that, life and relationships are very difficult to navigate.you drift, unanchored from the solid ground we all need as a foundation.
Everyone deserves love, whatever behaviours you exhibit, they are behaviours, and not you. You deserve love.