I'm sorry I haven't answered anyone's posts here today nor have I read, I just can't seem to focus at the moment. I feel heavy of mind. Even cooking I seem to be doing it by habit rather than thought.

I arrived at T's today, after my leaving early session friday, and couldnt put anything in context, I was all over the place.

I told T I felt she had changed, had become the with-holding therapist, and I felt she was doing something to me, but don't know what, I said I felt she is tricking me.

Then I said I realise that I can't manipulate people to get what I want and if I can't get that I don't want anyone.

T said I am scared, scared that now the illusion has been lost of controlling people to get what I need, that if I have to ask for what I need now, people may not be there or may say no.

I asked her why am I in T now if I cant maniuplate her to get what I want, what do I do now, talk about the weather (I know I am not having a rational thought here) T said I am in T because I need to be and we can talk about how I deal with disappointment and loss??

Driving home I was thinking about why am I going through the stages a toddler goes through? what makes that happen? Then I got feeling memorys of a time when I lost the illusion of fantasy mother before and how bad it was because there really wasn't anything good enought to replace that, taht my experience of being in a relationship where the fantasys come to an end nad reality is supposed to take over, are poor.

that this must have to a lessor degree in all relationships to all people but goes untroubled if their first experience was positive? That they can tolerate the ending of the honeymoon stage?

I eventually looked around T's rooom and said, I can see you and the room but it feels like its gone, that I've lost it.

I said I dont want to mourne, it makes the world feel a lonely cold place.

T said for a while but it passes but if you don't mourne your be stuck in a cold lonely place.

I kept thinking on the way home how this is really important that T is there for me right now, more than any other time, this is where I need to know there are people in this world that are realiable, I dont think I could bear to be doped or let down again.