Hey Mouse, sounds like you are having a hard time of it...

I think that ideally the story is meant to go like this:
(I say 'ideally' because nobody's story is ideal, but different people's stories more or less approximate the ideal)

The infant has needs. Most of those needs are met. But there are times when they aren't quite met as needed. The infant needs to cry for a bit because it takes time (a few seconds or minutes) for the mother to get to where the infant is to attend to it. There might be times when the mother can't give the infant what it needs (because it is teething, for example, and the mother can't make the pain go away).

Those little lapses are tolerable because for the most part the infant gets its needs met fairly swiftly. The notion is that because the infant typically gets its needs met the infants neurology develops such that the infant internalises the holding functions of the mother. So... The infant starts to be able to tolerate distress by self soothing and so on because it has had lots of experiences of mother soothing it.

Gradually... Gradually... Through these 'optimal frustrations' the infant develops more and more coping skills. The infants needs develop and grow over time. An infant has fairly basic needs for food and clean diapers and being held. A toddler has more complex needs for exploration and stuff like that. A securely attached infant will leave mothers side to go to explore stuff volountarily. Because it has internalised the mother. Because it has experienced leaving mother then needing mother then mother being there over and over and over. Infants who don't get enough of that can be afraid of leaving mother because they don't trust that when they need mother mother will be there.

All this is by way of saying that individuation isn't meant to be painful. It is meant to be driven by the infants developing desires.

Similarly with your individuation from your therapist it isn't meant to be a painful feeling of her pushing you away. It is meant to be driven by your desire for seperateness and distinctness and part of what makes that process go okay is the trust that your therapist will be there to emotionally hold you when you need her to. But that doesn't at all mean that that is how it feels to you...

I'm not quite sure what you mean by the 'controlling people' thing. Is the idea that... If they feel sorry for you then they will help you? I'm not sure what is meant by 'controlling' or 'manipulating' people. Does it mean presenting yourself in a way that you think they need in order to elicit help and care from them? I think I understand that one...

> I got feeling memorys of a time when I lost the illusion of fantasy mother before and how bad it was because there really wasn't anything good enought to replace that, taht my experience of being in a relationship where the fantasys come to an end nad reality is supposed to take over, are poor.

Yeah. That has got to be scary. On the upside... Perfect caretaking isn't possible. Good enough caretaking, on the other hand, is possible. 'Optimal' frustrations are lapses in the perfection of the caretaking, but they are 'optimal' because they aren't overwhelming. Rupture-repair, rupture-repair thats whats meant to lead to structural change (ego-strengthening)...

I don't think I could bear to be let down again, either. That being said... I've said that for a while now... And it does keep happening... At least... I keep interpreting things that way. Maybe its about... Developing the strength through a 'good enough' relationship for a time... Such that... It won't feel this way. Such that I'll be moving on to better things with the internal strength to catch me if I fall.

I don't really know what to say (but that doesn't stop me blabbing on)... (((((Mouse))))) This doesn't mean that you won't have some nice connected experiences with her again. Sounds like part of you wants to individuate but that part of you is so scared. Scared that if you assert yourself then she will leave you.