Perna, Yes I do keep seeing T sitting there, not going anywhere on one level, but on the other level, I think the level that has already experienced loss, I am confusing T with my original experience of loss of the birth mother and loss of my adoptive mother once told she wasn't my real mother...I also seem to be struggling with loss of the illusion of who I am...and it hurts...its like the ego is dying...all the ways I've survived isnt working...I keep trying to recreate that blissful place again, but it won't work...its like the witch in "bewitched" that use to wriggle her nose and magic happened...I wriggle and nothing, zitch,I am still here with this confusion and fear...I keep telling myself, its already happened and at least this time I've got someone there with me...I guess thats the place I will eventually settle permantly, "its already happened, and T is there with me this time to help me through it"...but at the moment its "where am I, help, I will never feel content and at peace again".

Thanks to all that took the time to read and respond...I need to go lay on my bed and allow the loss to go through me. Geez and to think I pay for this? LOL! gotta laugh or I may cry againnnnnnnnnnn