so there is a lot of distance... distance is hard :-( maybe it is partly that things are calming down a little now? maybe. i guess he has been busy with conference and work and i've been busy with seminars and work too... phone conversations are seeming a little strained now. they never used to be.

in this last week, really. maybe it is just me... because i have a deadline and i've been procrastinating royally and so feeling a little down on myself. number one procrastination strategy is getting over-involved on message boards and playing computer games all day. then the evening comes and i feel lethargic and fairly worthless with this nagging concern that i haven't done what i should be doing... not the best mindset for a phone conversation, i guess.

part of it is about his asking 'whats goin on?' as his standard entry line. i'm like... 'whats goin on for you?' but no, he wants me to tell him whats going on for me. and i don't want to tell him that i've been procrastinating all day. i don't even want to tell my therapist how much i procrastinate. i have very bizzare work habits. i don't think that people think i've done a poor job when i do some writing or when i give a seminar, but i certainly seem to write the bulk of it in the few days or weeks beforehand whereas other people work consistently for months. i've always been like that. near the end i'm working every waking hour and yes nearly driving myself crazy but i love it when i get in the manic zone like that and i really don't seem to be able to work any other way...

but i don't want to tell him about that. and so i don't know what to say when he asks me whats going on. i just say... i've been working... and earbash him for a time about what i plan on writing to try and sound convincing :-( i wish i wasn't so %#@&#! up :-(

i worry sometimes that i misrepresent myself. that he wouldn't like me much if he knew what my day to day life was really like. if he knew the way that i chose to live it. i console myself with the notion that i'm fairly adaptable. that if we lived together then i wouldn't be doing exactly as i'm doing now because my circumstances would be different. i mean don't get me wrong i'm sure there wouldn't be a radical change... but i surely wouldn't be hanging out my myself playing computer games... i'd have a little bit of company every day at least... and i might well have other things i need to be getting on with (kinda like daily deadlines) like having to teach or whatever.

feels like the initial thing is starting to wear off... in a way. i'm sure that when we meet again it will start a new round of being new together. but in terms of phone conversations... feels like the initial thing is starting to wear off. on the phone now... sometimes... i'm not really sure what to say. what to talk about. need to think of some things... get him to tell me more about his childhood or something lol.

anyhoo... just... miss his physical presence... and wonder if things will ever work out for us.

or... if i'll come to really feel that i'm attracted to him because of my past crap and i'll not feel attracted anymore.
and / or... similarly for him. i think... he does the rescuer thing a bit (which works out to be a nice fit with my pathology). will it last? i don't know. wonder about the age thing again... wonder about the long term... miss his physical presence... long distance with stuff all prospects for making that distance shorter is kinda demoralising really. still... better prospects than i had before, i guess (ie none).