ersatzelevator, welcome to the forums.

When I read your post, something sounded so familiar about your husband's behavior, especially when you said that he tells you he lies because he doesn't want to hurt you, or get into a fight with you. I think one of the things that abuse does is make a person deathly afraid of conflict, because during childhood, even little conflicts can turn into fighting and hitting. Also, with a lot of abusive parents, the "rules" change a lot...something that was ok one day is a horrible offense another day...so abused children can learn this behavior of trying to mind-read, to anticipate what might possibly be considered bad today that wasn't bad yesterday. It sounds like maybe your husband is acting out of this need to avoid conflict. He's not trying to hurt you with his lies, he's trying to keep you happy. I know that's kind of a skewed way to think of it, but remember just how screwed up his upbringing was...he had no example of reasonable behaviors and consequences.

It sounds like you both love each other very much, and I would think that couples therapy might really help you handle this problem. I think it's important for you to work on this together...he will need to work on having faith that you can handle the truth, even if you might not like it, and you need to work on understanding that his behavior is not personal, it's just an old messed up coping mechanism. A good therapist should be able to give you ways for you both to get to a better place.

Good luck.

*hugs*
Jo