Hi Anna,
I did mention self love in my post, I'm sorry if that upset you. I understand what you are saying about the order things should go in. I don't think I was really able to love myself until I had children and experienced their love and need. I did not have children to fill a gap, please don't think that, that would be a very wrong thing to do, in my opinion. But it helped me, because my mother was the source of my abandonment issues, when I became a mother myself. First I got angry at her all over again, then I used that anger to move forward.
The other thing I use is my spirituality. I imagine unconditional love from, in my case, the Goddess, the Great Mother. I see her nurturing the little unloved girl I was.
These things helped me.
To be honest, I don't have an answer. I see a vicious circle for you, and understand your hopelessness.
What I mean to provide you with, is hope. Eventually, after many many years of believing no one would ever love me, I came to love myself, others and be loved in return.
I'm not sure what your path to that will be, but it can happen. Don't give up.
I have used medication (for depression), therapy (from a clinical psychologist - and it took a few to find the right one) and much self reflection. I still have bad days, but I am getting there. You are an articulate, sensitive, intelligent young woman with heart and spirit. Cling to that, and know there is hope for all of us. The journey of one thousand miles begins with a single step.