What a whirlwind it has been for me lately as seen by my posts!

I had a session last week that I hadn't fully processed but with the help of my T during last session, a friend and my own thoughts, here is the main learning point for me:

First and foremost, T does care about me so I can stop having him prove it to me over and over again. What he has done needs to be enough and that is because IT IS ENOUGH. I'll explain:

I want to be connected with him and we are, it's not going to be every session and it shouldn't be either (at least for me). He's proven that in different ways in our sessions through out the past year and a half.

One of which was having me watch a movie that clearly is how he and I interact for the most part. It was very educational and entertaining too. Something I can hold on to forever. He told me another session that I had him, he'd be there for me and he has been.

This recent session, I really pushed at him thinking he would just tell me to leave. One of my normal defense mechanisms...he didn't though and for a second I focused on his eyes and not his words, they still had that warm look about them toward me and that is when I lost it and the crying began and seemed to never end.

We talked some about idealization, valuing/devaluing and I've researched some of this. Of course, he hits the mark and I've been this way with many significant people in my life.

He said that when someone I'm close to disappoints me, it is very painful for me. I've thought a lot about this and looked back over past sessions when I thought T disappointed me and what I did after those sessions. Eeek!! All sorts of acting out whether it was spending related or some other self destructive behavior but I did it.

When I felt connected and we had one of those sessions, I was doing fine between sessions. So, now I realize that no one can fill my needs all of the time. And should they anyway? How does that help me become independent and strong on my own?

So, I've carved out the recent destructive stuff in my life which wasn't that hard to do.

I think I can move forward now, I'm not as stuck as I was before...I'm nowhere near close to terminating therapy but I feel more positive about the direction it is going in.

I hope it stays this way but we all know, that one little curve ball could throw me off course