I had a session today.

I had a session last week, and he wrote out a contract for me, which was full of loopholes (I don't think he realized and I wasn't about to tell him) ... anyways I was bitter for the week since I saw it as controlling. Don't like contracts that I have no say in.

ANYWAYS,

I called the abuse centre he's referred me to. I accidentally gave them the wrong number when I phoned a few weeks ago, so they couldnt phone me back to book an appt... oopsies.

But last session I just didn't like my T. Rampant bad thoughts in my head about self-harming, and I wasn't going to say anything but he figured me out.

Today, first thing I did is gave him back the contract. And explained how I broke it, and how I disliked him for it... Which is good, right?

Then we talk about my weekend (it was an awesome one, my dad came to visit me and he lives far away so it was special).

How we got onto the topic of the divorce and being abandoned and feeling sad and mad and all that stuff regarding my relationship with my dad, I'll never know... I just stopped talking.

Then tried to convince him I was fine, which he said that he knew I wasn't. Sigh. I dont know why I try to manipulate so I dont have to express myself, but there I went again.

Talked about something I saw on TV. Someone witnessed something horrific, and a documentary/movie was made illustrating what occured. They get to the point where this individual found a way of coping... By cutting. And 'showed' him doing it (was obviously fake, but looked so real) and him describing how it made him feel... And yeah, it was triggering. Definetely not something I should have watched considering how bad the urges and whatnot have been lately.

Then I'm saying how much I want to do it again when I've been "clean" for so long... I guess I might have said something that made him think I'm suicidal (I'm not, just random bad destructive thoughts) and the next thing he's saying something about maybe I should be hospitalized!?!

So I freak out and tell him that he's clearly lost it because I'm not bad. Then he said he wasnt going to let me go (leave the office) unless he knew I was going to be safe. So then I try to convince him that I wont do anything (although I want to) ... doesnt go over well since he doesnt believe me. (Not that I'd believe myself given the circumstances and the fact I'm a semi-compulsive liar)

... so he says if I promise to try to take care of myself and not engage in bad behaviour and see him on Wednesday that he wont worry as much about me. And then he makes me promise I'll contact different resource people I have if I feel the urge.

... so I have two appointments in one week.

I feel like I'm backsliding. Like all the work I've tried to do is going out the window.

And I dont know if I like my T right now. Dont know if I should trust him. Dont know if I'm safe in his office. Dont know what I can do to help myself.

Dont know how to get out of this mess.

Therapy seems like too much work sometimes...