Ive been having a lot of fear and anxiety lately over the past as ive begun to realize I had masturbated to (not fantasized about or wanted to do in person, some heinous and terrible things).

My first experience I can remember with porn was very very far back, and I can remember it because I got in trouble, for some reason as a middle school-er I stumbled upon zoophilia, it has also been something that has followed me into my emerging adult years.

Ive always had a high sex drive and felt this need to always masturbate, which im trying to break, my issue is, is the fact that I began looking at zoophilia, and drawn images that could be considered pedophilia - though those were once or twicly ordeal (as i have realized I am not attracted IN ANY WAY TO CHILDREN and I was disgusted by it) ( it was nothing brutal, the images, or anything that was non consensual, drawn fantasy, and ive always had this fetish to be smaller than who ever i was dating, so that is the only way i think that played into mind and why i even looked at it, it came up on a image board place where it was just random ones one after the other, then i looked at it once more in a forum for it) (I am really scared, Im not attracted to children but does this make me a monster?)

When I am in a horny mood my only thoughts are on the man I am with or a man, but somehow if in my moods I turn to porn I end up on these things. I am terrified of it and to think that i could be labeled a pedophile because of it or a sicko because of the zoophilia.

I dont have fantasies of doing things with any of those topics, but somehow got off to it while watching porn. It scares me to death, as I am religious and I dont want to be this way at all, Ive wanted a husband and a family with the man I am with but because of these realizations im scared to death that i could be a hazard regardless of my non attractions to these things, just the fact that i looked at them and used them. Ive been having panic attacks over it. I dont want to be attached to these things at all, as ive stopped masturbating what so ever and the times in the past where ive slipped up i haven't looked at porn or anything, only thought about the man im with. I am scared I can never shake these things or that I am some kind of monster. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to be normal, have a husband and a family. Im scared I cant ever have that now because of all of this and me maybe being a monster.