Dear T oh T where do I start.
Another thread on here got me thinking about what you are to me, and what I am to you. And I think I have a more realistic view of this situation now.
I have a better grasp of the limitations of our current un-arranged arrangement and an understanding of what you can and can't offer me. And really, I know in these circumstances I can't depend or rely or count on you for anything. At the same time I know that you will give what you can give.
So I have been thinking about what this work of mine will entail and

Argh. I just don't know.
I have a solid foundation of self-care skills. I have a range of inner ones that have different skills and abilities that can support. And yet, I don't know if I can do this alone.
I know that circumstances dictate that is the only way it can be done.
I know that it must be done.
But I just don't know if I can do it. I think I only have the tiniest idea of how very awful and soul destroying it will be.

That's where I am at the moment.