I think it might be my depression, but I had felt so alone this last weeks. That only the internet and the books are there for me. That even when I went to celebrate my best friend (I'm not his best friend, I know that) birthday and my father family acted in an incredible way by inviting me to his restaurant, I felt... akward. Like I couldn't say anything that wasn't negative or complaining, that what I liked wasn't what he liked, that there was no connection, no common ground. That I was a fake.

With my mother, that she and i almost never talk. Either she is in her Ipad or me in my computer and/or audiobook, that we only talk for me to tell her about my mental problems or her with her exhasperation with my brother, or a new diet she is trying (and I feel so obese and lazy even when I was down 9.5 kg this last week) or about expenses (for which I feel like a parasite, even when I gave all my paycheck because she needed to get extra 10,000 to get out this month for all the unexpected expenses that hitted us and might hit us this next month: medical checks, therapies, travel, debts and so on). That we only talk around 5 minutes and I can't say my hobbies because they are either massive books that I try and I'm not sure I like, reading tumblr/9gag, watching anime or fanfics or doing my mindfulness; her with her soap operas of her youth and how they help her find things of herself, songs of her youth, ho oponopono or her social movement that either I find baffling or I get so scared/annoyed. We talk and we try to change pleasantries, but after 5 minutes it becomes forced or it dies akward (Or I feel it does, I might be simply focusing wrongly in the assumption)

I just... I just feel like there is no one around and I hate that. I was like that when I left my life spiral out of control and hurt myself so deeply and it seems that it's repeating. Oh, I go to swim classes (all the others are either my mothers age or like me don't talk during exercise) my work (I don't know what to say to this adults) and.... I think that's it. I managed to talk to some people in my national exam and I think it was good, but I know I will never find them again (and for the life of me, I can't remember their names) or I get scared that they will use that information to scam me in some way.

I feel afraid. I feel alone. I feel sad.

And this days I feel suddendly angry. Like, I'm not doing antyhing or just watching something inane in my computer and I hear the walkie takie and I suddendly feel like flying in rage because she is interrumpting me even when I like helping her. Or is telling me about my health and I feel persecuted and I react violently (not screaming but becoming furious) even when I know I need that talk and I feel glad that she told me minutes later and then I go to apologize but I don'NT KNOW WHY. WHY I GOT SO ANGRY? WHY I GET SO EXHASPERATED? And it is only since I finished my exam. I would think not having to study 5 hours daily or more, plus work, plus my anxiety attacks and resentment and desilusion of my changes to pass said exams (the first one I studied around 130 hours or more and nothing I studied came in the exam. It was an absurd exam in every way and it cost so much money) I would be better, but this 8 days I had feel tired, wanting to sleep more, breaking my diet little by little in ways I never did this last three months, not wanting to go out and now this.

I feel alone.
I feel annoyed.
I feel trapped.
I don't know.