Dear T,

I'm scared. We have worked so well together for the past three years and have sorted through so many things. Why is it that only a few months ago I was convinced that I was finished processing all of the things that happened to me and now that we're terminating, they're suddenly coming back up?

You said that you didn't interpret it as a subconscious need to stay unwell just in case it meant we could still see each other, even though I brought up that concern. I know in my heart and mind that we really can't keep seeing each other because I've graduated...but what if this is happening because my brain is rejecting losing you?

What if this is some form of denial or bargaining? "Well, if I keep thinking all of these things through, maybe it will mean I don't have to let go of you" or "oh, hey. I just remembered this new thing that happened--maybe now we can keep processing and working through this! Maybe now that I'm suddenly not as well, I won't have to leave!"

Brain...this is not how this works.

T, I'm struggling.

With this new flood of memories, with the fact that I miss you so much already, with the fact that I don't have a job yet and I don't know if I'm moving away and I can't see my friends and professors anymore...and on top of all of that, I'm struggling with losing you.

How do I do this? How does anybody do this?

I'm sorry for not being stronger and more independent. I'm sorry I don't feel that way, after all of the work we've done. It has been so much good work...but I don't think any amount of quality work will EVER prepare me for having to say goodbye to you. Goodbyes are always so painful. They always have been.

I need you to help me say goodbye. I need to tell you this...but I don't know how.